


Passive

by BatteryAcid



Category: Original Work
Genre: Child Abuse, Emotional Abuse, F/F, Physical Abuse, Unrequited Love, relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-26
Updated: 2014-05-05
Packaged: 2017-11-26 23:21:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 22
Words: 37,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/655505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BatteryAcid/pseuds/BatteryAcid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A religious girl who is at the mercy of her abusive Mother, has always tried to protect her little brother. But who can protect her when you falls in love with the new girl at school? And can she face the inevitable consequences which will send her life from bad to worse?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Passive

“Sweetie, bring mummy her sewing kit please,” she gestured to the corner where it was kept, wrapped up lovingly in a basket, waiting. Her eyes never left my face, eyes light blue with silver flecks surrounding the pupils, piercing into me. A smile danced across her lips as the first tear fell from my eyes.

“Please”, I whispered the word, my throat suddenly raw. My ‘Please’ hung in the air for a moment before seeming to fall to the floor. It meant nothing to Mother. Bobby slinked across the room, holding the basket aloft, looking at me all the while. 

“Mummy, why is Isabella crying?” His eyes met mine for a second before the fear registered in his eyes. Mother dropped her eyes from mine to smile lovingly at Bobby. 

“Because Isabella has been a bad girl and she needs to be punished,” her kind tone went with the soft strokes of her hand on Bobby’s head of white blonde curls. 

“Now why don’t you go and get a start on that project of yours? What was it again...?”

“The romans,” Bobby’s voice seemed to echo around the room with excitement. 

“Yes that was it. You go start and I’ll be along shortly.”

Bobby ran towards the door and was just about to shut it when he said, “Will … Isabella be helping too?”

The eyes were back on me again, burning into my very soul, it felt. The tears were falling harder and faster now. My eyes looked down at the basket and I began to whimper uncontrollably.

“I don’t think she’s feeling too well. Are you, poppet?” For a second I saw a flash of Mother as she used to be, as Bobby would see her, as a normal Mother. I opened my mouth to speak but Bobby shut the door.

Her white fingers slid quietly into the basket and pulled out a needle and thread. The needle was sharp and pristine and glistens in the light. She took her first step towards me as I fell to my knees and started to scream.


	2. Wednesday

“Have you done your homework?” I asked anxiously, looking up at my friend at where she sat on the wall. As she jumped off, her black hair glowed in the sunlight. She casually flicked it out of her eyes and looked at me.

“Of course, I have, silly. Can you imagine my Mum’s face if I hadn’t?” She pulled a grotesque version of her Mother’s face, wide and ugly. We were only joking. The one time her Mother had found out she hadn’t done her homework; she had battered her hard, leaving bruises on her chest and upper arms. I had had to sign a note she’d written to get her out of PE. My Mother never hit me, she knew how to bide her time too well. 

“Come on, we have RE next!” she ran fast across the playground, her long skirt coming up so you could almost see her knickers.

“Rebecca!” I yelled after her, imagining what would happen if either of our Mothers had been walking past the gate and seen.

At the thought, I turned towards the fence and scanned the gate cautiously. I stopped breathing for a second as I spotted a thin woman with white blonde hair. But it wasn’t her, the eyes were brown and she dressed in skinny jeans and a leather jacket. I tried to imagine my Mother in anything except her blouses and long skirts and shuddered at the thought. Despite how I was bullied for the way my family dressed, I loved wearing my long skirts and buttoned up shirts, they made me feel safe from the bad things in the world that Mother always talked about.

“Hurry up, Isabella,” a loud voice which could only have been Rebecca shouted after me. ‘My bad friend’ I thought, smugly, we were allowed to be friends because her family went to the same church as ours and sometimes our Mothers had tea together. Though my Mother usually complained about the size of Rebecca’s Mother and about how many slices of cake she would eat when they visited our house. I giggled but then blushed red at the idea of Rebecca somehow reading my thoughts.

“ISABELLA!” I ran her after her, my red face going even darker at the volume of her voice. I caught up with her and we walked into RE together.

Mr Harrison glanced up from the register and gave a pretend tut which made us laugh before gesturing to our seats. I liked Mr Harrison; he was my favourite teacher mostly because he taught my favourite lesson. Though I knew all the bible stories back to front anyway, I enjoyed refreshing my knowledge and taking part in the discussions which mostly just involved me, Rebecca and Mr Harrison. 

“Okay, class. Today we are learning about the story of Adam and Eve,” he spoke in a kindly tone for the members of the class who were a little less clever than the minority of us. My ears perked up and as I turned to Rebecca, her eyes seemed to light up as I could feel mine also doing. I loved this story and when Mr Harrison asked for volunteers, my hand shot straight up in the air along with Rebecca’s to read. 

“So, Isabella you start, then Rebecca, then … I’m sorry, dear. What’s your name?”

“Wednesday,” she whispered. The class suddenly came alive with whispers and laughter at such a ridiculous name. Most necks craned around to see the new girl who was sat right at the back of the class but I stayed facing the front. Nothing was going to distract me from one of my favourite Christian tales. Especially a girl with a stupid name like Wednesday. 

“Settle down class! Now Wednesday you shall read last, okay?” She must have nodded as Mr Harrison pointed his finger at me to begin. “God took some clay from the ground and made the shape of a man. Then he breathed gently into the shape. The man's eye's opened and he began to live. God called him Adam. The Lord made a beautiful garden for him to live in. The garden, called Eden, was full of many wonderful things. Beautiful flowers grew everywhere. Birds sang in the trees, streams flowed through the valley and animals roamed across the fields. God had made the man in his image to keep him company and look after the world. God brought all the animals to Adam one at a time to be given their names. "Elephant", he would say, or "Tiger", or "Porcupine". But God felt sorry for Adam. "None of these animals is really like him," thought God, "he needs someone to share his life. Someone who cares for him and who he can care for." That night, God took a rib from Adam's side and made a woman. When Adam awoke the following morning, he found a wife, Eve, lying asleep beside him. Adam was so happy. He took her hand and she woke up. She looked up at him and smiled.”

“Thank you, Isabella. That truly was a beautiful reading! Now, Rebecca please continue,” Mr Harrison smiled at me and turned to Rebecca, who began with the same enthusiasm as I had but perhaps not as steadily as I had done. No matter, I had begun once again to immerse myself in the story when my eyes fell upon Brandon. His focus was clearly somewhere else, facing the back, leaning backwards on his chair with his eyes locked on a space behind him.

I turned towards what he was staring at and my jaw dropped. He was looking at Wednesday and I could see why immediately. Her eyes were fixed carefully on the reading, trying to ignore the fact nearly everyone in the class was staring at her. The eyes were big and seemed to be a colour of deep purple. But purple wasn’t a nice enough colour to describe them. Indigo, yes, deep indigo with small black pupils dotted in the centre. Her hair fell in front of her eyes but she didn’t lift her hand to move it straight away. Instead the tendrils of dirty blond fell onto her cheek and curled themselves over her high cheekbones, meeting in strands at the bottom of her school blazer. My eyes drifted back to her face where her skin contrasted beautifully with the colour of her eyes. The makeup she wore was black and thick which only outlined her large doe-like eyes. Her nose was petit and her lips were full and stained with a bright pink. She mouthed the words as Rebecca read them, her small pink tongue leaving small shadows across her face as she formed the shapes with her mouth. My eyes left her face and moved down to meet her neck which was decorated with at least ten different necklaces. I spotted my beloved cross which was draped with all colours of the rainbow, from the darkest of purples, not as dark as her eyes but close, to the palest of pinks, matching the rose colour of her cheeks. As my eyes were beginning to explore her body some more, a hand touched my shoulder and made me jump.

“Isabella, it’s your turn to read,” whispered Rebecca next to me, her eyes a little concerned. I was about to ask if Wednesday had read when my eyes met hers as she looked up from her page. We kept eye contact for only a second when all of a sudden she winked at me, her eyelid sliding back up. Her lips bared her teeth, a pure white before her eyes left my face and looked back down at her reading.

“Isabella!” Rebecca spoke, a little louder so that a few other members of the class had begun to turn towards us when I swirled around in my seat. I began to read, a little slower as I tried hard to concentrate and occasionally stuttered to a halt at even some of the simplest words. I finished the piece and looked down so as not as catch Rebecca’s eyes, which I could feel looking at me throughout my reading.

“Okay, now I’m handing you a worksheet with…” Mr Harrison’s voice was over shadowed by Rebecca’s voice whispering in my ear.

“Is something the matter? Your face is really red!” She smiled widely, her lips looking pale and slightly cracked when compared to her’s.

“No, I’m fine, honestly. Just feeling a bit sick,” She frowned slightly, obviously not believing me but deciding to leave it for now. I looked at my worksheet for the rest of the lesson, staring at the words until they went blurry. At the end of the lesson, Mr Harrison came to collect the sheets. He looked down at my uncompleted sheet. 

“That’s not like you, Isabella. Didn’t you understand?” His face seemed to mimic Rebecca’s face when she’d been watching me during the lesson. I plastered on a smile and stood up to pack my bag. 

“I just didn’t understand it. Sorry, Mr Harrison,” I pretended to look down at the table, a little ashamed.

“It’s fine! We’ll go through it next lesson, okay?” He smiled at me before moving on. Both, me and Rebecca packed our bags and stood side by side in silence, unlike anyone else in the class, waiting for dismissal.

“Off you go now.” The words began the usual stampede for the door. I turned sharply catching Rebecca with my bag but not caring, as I stared after the thin shape with dirty blond hair which moved quickly out the door.


	3. Popular Like me

"That really hurt." The words filled with self-pity brought me back to my sad version of reality. I turned to Rebecca who was staring at me over our packed lunches, a look of exaggerated pain on her face as she held her arm where my bag had hit her.

"It can't have hurt that much," I muttered, looking down at my sandwiches.

"And what was wrong with you in RE. You love RE!" She seemed to study me for a sec-ond. We told each other everything, always had and so I've thought always would. Until now anyway.

"Nothing. I feel a bit sick." The lie came out almost automatically as I pushed my food away. I never lie, especially not to Rebecca. Her hands clasped mine. I looked up at her and she smiled brightly.

"You can tell me anything, right?" The guilt seemed to fall on me like a ton of bricks and I opened my mouth to tell her about Wednesday. About the girl who had taken my breath away. About the girl who I'd seen only once. About the girl who it was wrong to like ... Because I was a girl too. I would have told her all these things. Until that girl walked into the room.

Rebecca followed my eyes, spotting her. I could now see her more clearly. The clothes made her make-up and jewellery somewhat dull in comparison. Her blazer was customised and she had badges pinned down one side, all different colours. You could see a black top underneath her blazer instead of the regulation school blouses. The top underneath was tight and seemed too short for her, stopping at her stomach, which was white pale like her face. The other girls at school were tanned and took pride in their make-up, which made them look like flawless models. Yet the paleness suited her. And in the middle of her belly button was a ... A ring! A belly button ring, which had a jewel in it. It caught the light every now and then, fixating me. At our school, the blazer and blouse were compulsory but you could wear whatever you wanted on your bottom half. Her bottom half was the only normal part of her. Small denim shorts, like the other girls wore. But her legs were also pale and long, seemingly stretching on forever. The strong muscles of her legs led to her shoes, large trainers, ruby red with purple stars on. I started to look back at her face to see if the stars matched the colour of her eyes when Rebecca spoke. Unwillingly I tore my eyes away from her.

"Pardon?" Rebecca looked annoyed that she had to repeat herself but just rolled her eyes and spoke louder, "Who does that girl think she is?!"

"Shhh! She might hear you!" I hissed at her but when I looked over her shoulder at where Wednesday had been standing, a clump of boys stood there instead. And near the middle of them, I could see two twinkles of Indigo eyes and dirty blond hair facing towards me.

"She heard you!" I looked away quickly, staring at the table instead of Rebecca or Wednesday. 

"So what?! Have you seen what she's wearing?" Her voice seemed to be getting louder. I could feel my cheeks blushing a deep beetroot colour as she spoke.

"I like what she's wearing," I murmured to myself, not daring to be any louder in case Rebecca heard and tried to argue with me. We sat in stony silence throughout most of lunch as Rebecca ate and I just stared at the table, occasionally glancing up at the gaggle of boys which had now moved over to the 'popular table' where they seemed to throw themselves at Wednesday, making fools of themselves. Wednesday simply sat and laughed at them, smiling and sometimes speaking. The popular girls seemed to be giving her a wide berth, looking over now and then, staring and whispering amongst themselves.

It was only when Wednesday stood up and walked towards the door that most of the lunch hall seemed to get up and do the same. The boys were almost falling over them-selves to follow her and the popular girls formed a small huddle and followed the boys.

As her long legs propelled her forwards towards the exit, Wednesday's eyes caught mine and the Indigo pools rolled like marbles within their perfect white prison. It was automatic and perfectly done as if rehearsed. She pulled a silly smirk, her pink lips to one side, looking at the boys then looking back at me. I only just had time to register this before she stepped out of the door, my eyes lastly falling on the pockets of her shorts, where her hands were rested, a deep blue nail varnish coating her long nails, the small palms facing towards me. And with that she was gone, leaving everyone else in her wake.


	4. Different

I stood by the gate, where I always stood, waiting for Bobby to come out of the primary school across the road. The mothers stood in a group a distance away from me, chatting happily about everything under the sun. I usually liked to listen to these conversations but today I was watching the school playground as the other children left, looking for any sign of Wednesday. I had said goodbye to Rebecca who was always picked up by her Mother. Then I had walked across the road, looking both ways and standing in my usual spot, where I always stood, waiting patiently for Bobby. Except today I didn't feel patient, I feel bad. The memory of all those boys swanning around her, the other girls probably keeping away as they weren't sure how to make friends with her, were probably feeling as helpless as I was. And for some reason, I kept replaying the moment she had smirked at me, sharing that moment of humour with me. I also kept thinking about how she had walked away, how her bottom had looked in her shorts and how she must had known I was watching her walk. My mind fogged over. I knew this was wrong. I knew this was a bad thing to think about but I couldn't help it. I had never felt like this over a boy before. There had to be something different about me, something wrong with me.

I was so caught up in my thoughts that I hadn't noticed Wednesday appear at the gates. The boys were still there but I tried not to look at them. The girls were there too and I couldn't help but envy them. They stood so close to her, close enough to touch her skin, to stroke her beautiful hair, to feel her breath...

"Isabella?" The voice startled me, nearly making me fall over backwards. I turned to see Bobby stood next to me, frowning at me. I frowned back, stared at him furiously.

"Why did you scare me?!" I snapped at him. He smoothed out his forehead, looking up at me worriedly.

"I'm sorry," he whispered sadly, looking at his shoes. Guilt hit me once again, I looked back at him. It had always been me and him against the world, against the others. I had never shouted at him before. My arms surrounded him, enclosing him into a hug.

"No, I'm sorry, Bobby," I sighed into his curls, "I've just had a rotten day." He hugged me back before gently pushing me off. He held onto my hand walking forwards, squeezing my fingers to pull me along. I followed him slowly, at the last minute remembering Wednesday and looking back to the gate, a sudden pain in my stomach when I saw she was gone. I tried to concentrate on Bobby as he talked about his day but I couldn't switch my brain off of her.

We reached our street and walked up to our front door, a boring grey colour, the same grey as every door on our road in the same red brick house as every house on our road. 'Why had I never noticed how plain it looked before?' I had only a second to question myself before Bobby opened our door and ran inside. I followed him, dragging my feet and shut the door behind us.

"Mummy, we're home," Bobby called out. He ran into the kitchen where the smell of baking filled the air. I immediately followed him, keeping a close distance between us. Mother had never hurt Bobby and I doubted that she ever would but that didn't stop me from worrying that one day she might. That one day, she might turn on him, the way she had always done to me. She stood in the kitchen, oven gloves on and a smile on her face. The way it always was with Bobby.

"How are you, sweetheart?" The voice was always the same, the sugar coated tone never changing when he was near.

"Okay, Mummy," he answered, distracted by what was in the oven.

"Mind out the way, saucepot. Mummy's trying to cook." She turned to me and said briskly, "Take him upstairs to finish his homework." I nodded, smiling at her, a fake smile, but a smile none the less. Her eyes lit up when she turned back to Bobby, shooing him playfully out the kitchen. I followed Bobby upstairs and sat him down to work on his desk, telling him to come find me if he needed help. I then walked across the landing to my room. The walls were cream with a four poster bed in the middle of the room, a chest of drawers and wardrobe to one side. Bobby's room was the same as was Mother's, the toys neatly packed away in my brother's room and the clothes packed away in mine and Mother's rooms. I had a few books which I had received on birthdays from Mother, a selection of Christian tales for children, but other than that my room was spotless. 'Why was it now that I was noticing the dullness in my life?' I knew why, of course I knew why. I started off trying to do my homework but in the end gave up, ignoring the worry which automatically flooded my chest at the thought of not completing my homework. I lay on my bed with my shoes still on, a practise which was forbidden but which I did anyway, my heart thumping slightly louder at the thought of Mother cluelessly working on dinner downstairs while I laid up here, not doing my work, shoes on and thinking about ... Her. I suddenly sat bolt upright, taking off my shoes and getting up to line them by the window in their usual place. I retrieved my homework from my school bag and laid it out on my desk. I visited Bobby's room to check he was still working before returning to the plainness of my room to complete my work. I threw myself into my work, finishing quickly but moving straight onto revision. What I am thinking of is wrong, the idea of it is wrong and the feelings inside me are wrong. My face threatened to crumple as I imagined what Mother could do to me for the disgusting thoughts in my head, what she would do to me. But I breathed in and out sharply and stared at my textbook, even when the words began to blur.

"Bobby, Isabella, tea is ready," came the usual call. I stood up and walked out of the room leaving any horrible thoughts shut in that room as I followed my little brother down the stairs.


	5. New Feelings

The next day was Tuesday and as I packed my bag that morning, I kept my thoughts carefully concentrated on the lessons I had that day. I thought wistfully of RE, that wouldn’t be coming around again for another few days. Rebecca and I shared most classes except Art and Music. I despised both of these lessons as not only was I alone but I didn’t believe I had a creative bone in my body. Not that I was allowed instrument lessons and I don’t think I’d actually drawn a picture outside of school since I was a small child. Mother had always discouraged us from it, saying it was worthless and that there were other things to be doing in life. For once I agreed with her.

“Isabella, come downstairs!” Her tone was sharper than usual and I zipped up my school bag before running to the stairs, taking them a few at a time. I couldn’t risk making her angrier than she already seemed to be. Mother stood in the dining room, waiting for me with her arms crossed. Bobby stood next to her, looking sadly at his shoes. I quickly scanned his body for signs of injury or tears on his pale cheeks but there was nothing. Mother raised her eyebrows when she saw me but never lost her calm composure; she never did.

“Last night, a biscuit was taken from the kitchen. There is one less than there was and despite me telling you not to leave your bedroom after hours, it seems one of you has!”

Her words reminded me once again that while I had cursed myself for thinking so wildly yesterday, our lives were still very much run by her. I knew she counted the food in the cupboards so that she would know if we stole from her. But Bobby didn’t. I didn’t risk looking at him but instead held Mother’s gaze, trying not to fidget as her cool glassy stare fell on my face for signs of lying. I never lied, yet recently lying seemed to be something I could do naturally. Her eyes warned me against not telling the truth but the idea of Bobby being blamed was too much to think of. Numerous places on my body began to throb as I recalled past pain but I just swallowed the nervousness I felt and spoke up, trying to keep my voice even so as not to irritate her further.

“I did it, Mother. I’m sorry,” my words tumbled out of my mouth, not as composed as I would have liked but it had the desired effect as I looked down, faking feeling ashamed.

“Well, it’s not good enough, is it?”

I bit my lip, wondering if she wanted an answer. Or would that be talking back? I could feel a thin layer of sweat forming on the back of my neck and my breathing picked up. I tried to allow more air into my lungs but only succeeded in making myself cough. I quickly raised my hand to cover my mouth, catching my nail on my cheek, where a mark was probably already forming. I swallowed my coughs and looked up to see Mother watching me closely. Her eyes drilled into me and I tried not to look at her lips which were now pursed, her teeth clearly clenched behind them. She shocked me when she smoothed out her face into a smile and her pupils seemed to light up with an emotion I couldn’t place.

“It’s time for school now!” Mother smiled broadly at Bobby, carefully smoothing his hair and zipping up his bag on his back. Bobby’s face read slight confusion at Mother’s lack of reaction to my supposed crime but he leaned up to kiss her cheek all the same. Mother smiled and turned to me. For one crazy moment, I imagined her kissing me and wishing me a nice day at school. But she wouldn’t, it wasn’t her fault she had a daughter as messed up as I was. My thoughts drifted to yesterday but I caught myself before my face could flush with colour. This was sick, I was sick; I was messed up and I knew that these feelings were wrong. The more I said it, the worse I felt but I knew that just saying it again and again wouldn’t stop the thoughts buzzing around my head, burning into my skull and making my heart ache with bursts of pain.

“I’ll see you later, Isabella,” her tone was even and I saw Bobby smile, his small brain thinking the incident had been forgotten. It was only me that could see her eyes, burning with hatred, an emotion that a child should never see from their Mother. I had to remind myself that no Mother had a child like me, it was as if I deliberately went out of my way to aggravate her, I deserved everything I got. I dropped my eyes and began to hurry Bobby out of my door, nearly tripping on the door mat in my haste to leave Mother’s eyes far behind me.

I pulled the door shut behind me, wanting to slam it to express the anger I felt towards myself for being so pathetic, for feeling so controlled. I should have been used to it by now but something seemed to be opening my eyes to the horribly dark winding road my life was taking, someone was telling me that the plain walls of my room, the grey doors lining our street, the red bricked houses looming over head, were not the life I should be living. Someone was telling me all this. And I hadn’t even spoken to her.

“I’m sorry!” Bobby engulfed me in a hug that pulled me away from my thoughts. His arms were short but he could still fit them around my thin form. I hugged him back but tried to keep us moving so that we could talk out of ear shot of our grey door, the bleak black hole that sucked us into a world that could only be escaped day after day with the long hours of school. And how I cherished learning, writing, being with Rebecca all the more when I thought of the idea of going home that evening. When I thought of our plain, bleak house with the small door which led down to the basement … I shivered, causing Bobby to pull away so he could try to spot my expression. I gave him a weak smile which seemed to be enough for him.

“Next time, don’t steal. Stealing is wrong, okay?” He nodded at my words, smiling at me, promising me he wouldn’t. It was always my mistakes that I had been punished for, now it looked like I would be paying for Bobby’s too. I tried not to think of what would happen that evening. We talked about his school and his lessons that day, him enthusiastically telling me about his essay he had written on … I stopped concentrating, letting my thoughts run over me and soothe me with their soft quilted edges, soothing my head as it throbbed with so many feelings. I let my mind wander to the girl with the flawless skin, the indigo doe-like eyes and the strong calf muscles. Her hair as it lay on her face, her necklaces swaying as she walked, her belly bottom ring as it caught the light. I remembered her pale neck, delicate and long as it led into her chest, which was covered protectively with her blazer. I tried not to think about what lay underneath her blazer and top, concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other as we neared Bobby’s school. I was only allowed to attend school, church and on occasion, if I had contained my unruly side, Rebecca’s house but that was it. I wasn’t allowed out to parties or to the park like the other girls. I had never had any communication with the opposite sex, or with my own sex at that. I was friends with Rebecca because I was allowed to be, I enjoyed her company because it was the only company outside of Mother and Bobby I had. Once I had slept over her house, sleepovers were something that neither Mother usually permitted but it had been quite late and there seemed no other option.

I could recall the evening spent mostly in awkward silence, with Rebecca’s mother in the end requesting we go to bed. I had dressed in a pair of Rebecca’s pyjamas, feeling dirty and unclean wearing someone else’s clothes. Rebecca’s mother had told us to clean our teeth and use the toilet before locking me and Rebecca inside Rebecca’s room. Though Rebecca had some things harder than me, their house had a television, which they were allowed to watch for one hour each day and her Mother’s punishments generally involved beating while my own Mother was more creative, after she had tried to run away once, her room was fitted with locks on the door and windows. I wasn’t used to the locks and had to stop my eyes drifting to them on more than one occasion. We had both turned our backs to each other so as to change clothes and I had hurriedly dressed myself, not wanting to spend a moment longer than I had to. We had both gone to bed quickly but not before Rebecca had tried to talk to me. She talked like the other girls at school did, of boys and clothes. Her mouth filled with words and phrases she had heard from school and my own mouth dropped at the language she used. I had had to silence her as she attempted to talk to me about something I had only heard about in science once. Sex.

The idea itself was horrible, the sexual organ of a man disgusting and the act of intercourse itself alarming. I thought of Mother having sex and had to stop myself gasping out loud at the prospect. Though she must have done to create both me and Bobby, there had never been a noticeable Father figure in our lives. I couldn’t have been more than 6 when Mother had told me she was pregnant with Bobby. I had just nodded, knowing well enough at that age the punishment for asking too many questions. The baby years were short and quickly Bobby either had to learn to do things himself or else I had had to bathe him, change him and clothe him. Which is why our relationship was so close. I truly did love Bobby. I watched him now as he walked, so innocent in his gestures and actions as his mouth moved quickly, his mind whirring with childish opinions and thoughts. I hoped his innocence would remain forever. I hoped he would never have to suffer the fear that I suffered.

We had reached Bobby’s school and he hurriedly gave me a kiss on my cheek before turning to run into the playground. He was as excited as I was to leave the confines of the house and though he had no friends, the friendship I had with Rebecca was sacred because of that, he still enjoyed school the same way I did; it was escape. I crossed the road and walked into school, keeping my head down to avoid attention, I wasn’t in the mood for the snide comments of the girls, their hands pulling at the tight braid of my hair and the long hem of my skirt. I walked fast so as to meet Rebecca in form but a band of girls in my year walked just in front of me, keeping me from ploughing forwards at my usual pace. I tried to get past them but they were all too caught up in their conversation to notice my attempts.

I listened to them talking, settling into a slow walk so as to avoid looking like a fool as I tried once more to get past them.

“Did you see her yesterday? Her make up?!” The other girls whispered amongst themselves as the leader of their gang spoke loudly. I tried to think of who they might be talking about but just carried on shamelessly listening in, needing that small normality after the morning I had had. I wanted to think and feel like the other girls did, the biggest worry on their minds the next outfit they should buy for this weekend’s upcoming party, instead of my worries involving needing to protect my brother from Mother and these new feelings for Wednesday. Why couldn’t I be normal?

“Her hair! And her stupid slaggy top!” One girl spoke, her eyes lighting up at the word ‘slag’ and spreading out the vowel with her tongue.

“Did you see her belly ring?” Their eyes flashed as they all turned to look shocked at the girl who had spoken.

“I could barely see it through her fat!” Hyena like giggles burst from them all, their hair wildly flying everywhere and their manicured nails wiping tears from their laughing eyes, before the tears could create a trail through the foundation that covered each one of their stupid faces. I had to hold myself back so as not to slap the girls one by one in their stupid grinning faces. I was so angry, I don’t know why I felt so defensive towards Wednesday but as they spoke, their white teeth shining in the morning light from behind their sticky lip glossed grins, I realised I would have hurt each and every one of them right then. I might have done too, if not for what came next.

“The stupid lesbian!”

My breath stilled in my throat and I took a minute to digest this information. Without school I probably would have never learnt the act of sex or the terms of labelling that the other children used so freely, emo, goth, slag, nerd; but I knew enough to know what lesbian meant. For some strange reason, I played with the word in the head, letting it rest there only after searching for a reasonable definition that could match my image of Wednesday. The confident girl with the colourful clothes, the makeup, the shoes, the pale skin and beautifully natural hair. The girl who had been followed the day before with throngs of admiring boys. I remembered the eye roll she had given me and it suddenly had new meaning. Her smile came to my mind and I couldn’t stop myself from imagining the best; could she like me?

I pushed away my stupid thought. Of course she didn’t! And why would it matter if she did? I don’t like girls, I’m not a lesbian! I’m normal. I’m normal. I pushed past the girls causing a few of them to wobble on their too high, high heels but not caring. I stopped myself thinking and walked into my form room.


	6. A new way of thinking

The morning pasted slowly, Rebecca’s usual quiet whisper annoying me through the first two lessons that day. Maths had consisted of answering questions and as my hand slowly crept over the page, I found myself scanning the classroom for any hint of indigo eyes or dirty blond hair but Wednesday didn’t seem to be in this class. Rebecca noticed my staring but I just ignored her questions focusing on my work. She had never really annoyed me before but today for some reason, the childish squeaky quality to her voice made my head ache and I had to tell her to be quiet from time to time. She just ignored me, quizzing me on my answers to the questions and talking about something she had watched on television last night. Normally I would have lapped up the information, wishing for a normal life where I was allowed a television or just the ability to watch even one of the programs Rebecca described. But the indigo eyes seemed to be imprinted on my mind, wiping any other thoughts away as I replayed her wink and the eye roll over and over again, the memories fresh and my breath catching in my throat when I relived them. It made talking difficult so I just chose to let Rebecca ramble on, using my own thoughts for entertainment.

Science was just as long and Rebecca’s continuous whispering was enough to drive anyone insane. I tried to casually look around the classroom but once again found that Wednesday was nowhere to be seen. I was disappointed as I had hoped that my first impression of her was right and that she was as clever as she looked. I was in the top sets for all my lessons, Rebecca in all of the same except for music and art. I was tapping my pencil on my desk as I stared at the equations that blurred in front of my eyes, when I heard the door open. I didn’t look up, knowing that the science teachers often came in and out to talk to each other. It wasn’t until I heard the talking from the rest of the class suddenly hush that I looked up. Wednesday stood with one hand on her hip as her beautiful eyes swept across the classroom at the staring children. Her smile didn’t seem to falter though her cheeks had a hint of pink as she walked towards the teacher’s desk. Her blazer and necklaces looked the same as they had yesterday but the top she wore today was a pale rose colour. It was short so that you could still see the gem at her belly button. Her shorts today were black instead of denim but her shoes were the same. Her makeup looked the same though you could tell it was fresh, the eyeliner dark and perfected so that her eyes looked out into the world with a sharp understanding of everything, that only she knew. Her shoes squeaked on the clean science floor and as I moved my eyes up her body, I saw her hands, screwed up into small fists, so that her nails were hidden. They showed her obvious discomfort at being stared at but from where she stood behind the teacher’s desk only I and Rebecca could see her discomfort. We were sat at the front and as I looked around me, I realised where the only spare seat was.

“Well, explain yourself. Why are you late?” The teacher barked at her but her lips just pulled up into a smirk at the angry tone.

“I slept in,” I realised I had never heard her voice before and found the deep tone in her voice quite surprisingly, her body told me her voice should have been more feminine. But it seemed to fit her perfectly and I felt myself blush as she turned to scan the class again and spotted me in the front row. She stopped smirking and gave me a proper smile, her brightly coloured pink lips pulled up at the corners. I realised I was returning the smile, giving a wide grin and showing my ugly slightly discoloured teeth. I bit back the pride I felt that she had noticed me and looked down embarrassed at my work again. I heard the teacher sigh at Wednesday’s response but he just gestured to the spare desk at the front. Wednesday walked confidently to the desk, dumping her bag and pulling back the chair closest to me. I had to stop my eyes from tearing from the page, the black and white of the page contrasting oddly with the images of the colourful Wednesday. I felt my eyes turn to look at her hands which were now relaxed and uncurled from the fists they had been in, to see her nails which today she had painted yellow, a bright colour which only made her skin look too pale against it. She tapped her nails on the desk as the teacher began to talk her through the worksheet. Not that she seemed to be listening. I quickly looked at her face which was swerved to the window by the door, looking out onto the grey, gravelly playground. Her expression was dreamy and I tried to imagine the thoughts a girl like Wednesday would think but came up with nothing.

Once the teacher had stopped talking, Wednesday leant down to get her pencil case from her bag, pulling the fabric of her top and blazer up slightly so that her pale skin could be seen, a small section of it revealing itself. A mark on the small of her back caught my attention and I found myself involuntarily leaning forwards to see the mark more clearly. It was a small white lily, its petals curling up so that you couldn’t see what lay within. The white of it looked odd against her skin. I realised shocked that it was a tattoo. Wednesday moved back quickly to sit up, her elbow catching me awkwardly in my stomach from where I sat on the edge of her seat, staring at her. She looked slightly taken aback by how close I was to her but it was all I could do to breathe properly, my nose suddenly smelling her sweet scent. It wasn’t a perfumed smell like the other girls, who sprayed themselves in cheap flowery sprays but just her natural smell. I could smell a clean, fresh scent with a hint of mint, maybe chewing gum or her shampoo. But as I smelled the scent, I found my breath stilling in my throat and my eyes flicking wildly between her two eyes, we were so close that my eyes had to move backwards and forwards between the two pools of indigo just to look at her properly. She stayed smiling but her grin faltered a little, making me frown as I wondered why. I realised that I was still leant towards her and bit my lip, moving sharply away and facing the front.

I could feel both Wednesday’s and Rebecca’s eyes on me but I just concentrated on getting my breathing steady again and smoothing out my hair so that it hid the red tinge of my cheeks.

“Sorry,” I murmured, the weak sound barely audible as I apologised for being such an idiot. Rebecca glared at me and I could tell I was going to get an earful later.

“It’s okay!” I turned sharply towards Wednesday as her beautifully small painted hand found mine on the table and touched it lightly. Even that slight touch made me want to shake, devouring the feeling of her skin on mine whole. I wanted to reach out and take her hand in mine so that this feeling could last forever. She removed her hand and placed it next to mine on the desk, smiling at me before turning to her work. I did the same, pretending to be thinking hard when my brain couldn’t even attempt to read the first line of the sheet. I could feel my hands shake slightly and kept them pressed down firmly on the table so that the shaking stopped. My breathing was finally normal again and I spent the rest of the lesson staring at my work but not moving my hands, for fear the pathetic shaking would start again. I ignored Rebecca’s stare and when the bell went I packed my bag quickly and stood up waiting for dismissal. Rebecca was taking her time and I daren’t look at Wednesday, knowing my mind would drift back to the tattoo that I now knew she had. The teacher gave the usual nod and the class ran for the exit. Rebecca was still zipping up her bag and I turned towards the exit, ready to leave her and wait outside, when I had to stop suddenly because Wednesday was still stood there. She waited for the class to pile out of the door before marching to catch the door before it swung shut. Her head swirled and her eyes caught mine, locking them there, the pools of indigo making my head spin and my hands turn sweaty.

“See you around,” her deep voice spoke and she gave me a grin, her teeth white against the pink of her lipstick. I watched her walk away, her hands once again placed expertly into her back pockets. She probably knew my eyes would wander there and they did, watching the way her bottom rose and fell slightly as she walked. My stomach seemed to tighten as she turned the corner to the playground, her calves twitching at the movement. I realised my mouth was open and closed it quickly. I saw that the teacher had been watching me and he shook his head at me, knowing full well as a teacher the minds of hormone ridden teenagers. I was embarrassed but couldn’t stop my lips twitching as I realised that as much as I tried to deny it, I did like Wednesday. And I think she liked me too.


	7. Embarrassment

“Stop ignoring me!” The voice caught sharply in my ears as Rebecca seemed to hit new volumes with it, making me flinch away from her. Her hand reached out to stop me from crossing the road and she stepped in front of me to block my path. Her cheeks were red from running after me and I could feel her harsh breath against my skin. She stood too close for my liking and I shoved her off, causing her to momentarily lose her balance.

“Isabella! I don’t know what’s up with you but you’ve been really off with me these last few days!” She tried to look sad but her face only drooped in a way that made me cringe my own face in discomfort. While I envied her long black hair compared to my own mousey brown, I was grateful that my Mother was slim and the Father who I never knew was too because it was as Rebecca pulled the grotesque face that I could very easily compare her to her Mother.

I just rolled my eyes at her experimentally, remembering how Wednesday had done it, straightened out my blazer and smoothed my hair before turning to scan the school playground behind us. There was no sign of her but I didn’t want to take the chance of her hearing my conversation with my friend. I was scared she would think me silly and immature, any words I could think to say seemed stupid in my mind when I was near her. The rest of the day had been long and I’d not seen her again since the morning. She hadn’t been with the popular kids at lunch or break; though they seemed to have made their feelings towards her quite clear.

‘The stupid lesbian’.

Maybe it was just an insult. Maybe something more. But after I had creepily invaded her personal space this morning, I very much doubted she would want to talk to me. The only word I had said to her so far had been a pathetic ‘Sorry’ and even that had been merely a whisper.

“You’re not listening again! What’s up?” Rebecca gave me a you-can-tell-me-anything look and clasped her hand in mine. I smiled at her and squeezed her hand; though she annoyed me, she meant well, she had been my friend for so long now.

“I’m fine. Just not been feeling so great recently. I’m better now!” I smiled, making her smile back and her face light up in a nice way, any resemblance of her Mother now gone.

“See you tomorrow then?” She gestured to the car park where her Mother was waiting by the car. A few cat calls and shouts came from the student body but Rebecca’s Mother seemed to be immune to them, simply waving at Rebecca as we looked over. She seemed to be in a good mood and I hoped this meant my friend wouldn’t come to school with any fresh bruises the next day.

“Yeah, see you!” I replied cheerfully, waving her off and forgetting any previous worries about looking stupid, Rebecca was my friend and I shouldn’t ignore her. I couldn’t expect her to understand how I was feeling, I couldn’t expect anyone too. I crossed the road and stood at the gates of Bobby’s school. The mothers were there again, chatting happily while I basked in the brief winter sun, letting my skin take in as much light as it could from between the few gaps of skin below my blazer sleeves and below the hem of my long skirt. Rebecca had put me in a good mood and as I saw Bobby walking towards me, I walked to meet him and embraced him in a hug. He seemed surprised but relaxed into me, his curls tickling my face. He grinned and pulled me by the hand towards home, his bag chunking rhythmically on his back in time to the steps of his feet. I let myself be pulled, ready to listen intently to anything my brother wanted to tell me, I was now putting my family and friends in front of any selfish thoughts in my head. I was going to be in enough trouble at home with Mother, I didn’t need the few people that loved me to end up despising me because I was selfish.

“Hey,” the voice made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end and I turned quickly in the direction the voice had come from. Wednesday stood with her side bag resting on one shoulder and a small smile on her face. Her eyes watched my expression, which I knew would be wide eyed with my mouth probably drooping open unattractively. Her eyes turned to Bobby, who was still clutching my hand and looking nervously at the colourful girl. It was all I could do to remain standing, let alone attempt to talk, my brain shocked away from its thoughts. I had no idea what Bobby was thinking and hated the idea that he was judging her like every other person who was now looking at her; the primary school children and even their parents gawping at Wednesday. Not that she seemed to care, her expression relaxed as she glanced from me to my brother, probably wondering what was wrong with us. I closed my mouth and swallowed, my dry throat screaming in pain at the action.

“Hi,” I cursed myself immediately for the limp response but Wednesday only continued to smile. Bobby was mute besides us, his eyes still watching her.

“Err, I thought we could walk together? You live in Glen Close, right?” I had to focus my eyes on her lips to catch her words as her beautiful deep voice seemed to almost sing the words to me. It took me a second to realise that was a question and I nodded eagerly, though part of me started to cry at the thought of walking with her. She would realise how much of a loser I really was, an idiot, a geek. All words constantly thrown at me and Rebecca every day.

“I live at Sunny Dale. So do you want…” She gestured her small, pale hand in front of us.

I nodded, pulling Bobby along as he still held onto my hand tightly, his eyes not seeming to affect the beautiful girl despite how they bored into her. I squeezed Bobby’s hand in an attempt to get him to stop but he seemed transfixed. Not that I could talk, that was probably how I looked to the outside world when I was staring at Wednesday too. I recalled what she had just said about Sunny Dale, how she lived there. It was a few streets away from our house and the roughest children’s home in the area. Mother frequently complained and reported the children as they sped down our road on their bikes and skateboards. I couldn’t picture Wednesday there, in amongst the graffiti and orphans who never seemed to wash themselves; according to Mother anyway. This meant she was an orphan. I stole a glance at Wednesday, who was keeping pace with us, her eyes in front and head held high, so different to me as I watched my shoes, carefully avoiding the chewing gum on the pavement and the occasional broken glass bottle that seemed to crop up every so often.

“So…” Wednesday turned to me, her face perfect as she watched me, pulling me from my thoughts. This meant she wanted to talk, what about I didn’t know, not that I felt capable of speech. My throat was still dry and one look from Wednesday made it clench up tighter, even the sight of her hurt my stomach. She would think I was insane, not replying, my face possibly screwed up with the discomfort my stomach was causing me.

“You go to the primary school?” Her head turned to Bobby, who was walking blindly as he watched her. Bobby opened his mouth, his answer probably going to be something naïve and embarrassing but I cut him off, only to have my vocal chords betray me again.

“Yeah, he does!” The croak was obvious and I cleared my throat so as to ready myself for any more conversation that would come my way. I avoided her eyes, instead turning to glance at Bobby, who had averted his eyes from Wednesday to look at me, trying to place the odd sound to my voice but coming up with no answers.

“Oh, so you do speak!” My eyes widened at her words and I felt my cheeks turn red. I opened and closed my mouth trying to find the words but only made laughter come from her lips.

“Only kidding. Although conversation is easier when its two way,” she winked at me and turned to look forward again. I really was at a loss at what to say and so was Bobby, his usual talk that seemed to come naturally to him, falling away in its moment of need. I would have asked him to say anything right then to fill the awkward silence that accompanied us on the walk home. When we reached our street, Bobby ran ahead to our door and stood waiting for me.

“This your house?” I nodded in reply, not daring myself to speak. I didn’t meet her gaze, instead glancing up at our house. Most houses on the road had ornaments on the windowsills, curtains and blinds of various colours, whilst our windows were just as bare as the brick walls and grey door that made up the rest of the house. I wanted to shield the house from her view as if hiding part of my life from her but she seemed more interested in looking at me anyway. Which only made me uncomfortable, not that there was anything I could do to stop her. I slowed as we reached the door and so did she.

“Bobby, why don’t you go inside?” My voice was still fragile but I surprised myself by speaking. Bobby seemed a little put out but opened the door and walked in, shutting the wooden barrier, that now stood between us and my brother, firmly. I didn’t want to leave him alone in the house with Mother but … Mother. I imagined her eyes drilling into Wednesday, imagined her stopping the flawless girl and judging. If she saw me with Wednesday, then, who knows what she would do. She wasn’t fit to be my friend, she would say, she was strange and different, the kind of person Mother would refer to as vermin or scum, if she hadn’t been so incredibly proper. But nevertheless if Mother knew I was in the company of someone like Wednesday, I would undoubtedly pay for it later.

“Bye,” she waggled her yellow painted fingers at me and walked off, her face leaving me with a lasting impression as she smiled brightly. She was so casual, her eyes quickly trailing past me and her mind moving onto something new. I played with the idea that she now hated me, she thought I was weird like the others. Yet she had wanted to walk with me, had wanted to even after I had nearly head butted her and shoved her off her chair that morning.

“Wait!” The word was loud and stopped her immediately in her tracks. She swivelled around, seeming pleased that I had stopped her, at least that’s what her smile said but I was so bad at reading people, this could have meant anything. I paused wondering what I had intended to say next, the strong loud voice that had come out of me could easily have belonged to someone else.

“I’ll walk with you afterschool tomorrow. If you like?” She tilted her head to one side as she watched me, her eyes big and necklaces jangling as she started to step slowly backwards, as a sign that she probably wanted to be somewhere, anywhere else. Yet she had offered to walk with me and I nodded my head quickly, stopping myself before she told her offer back, my repetitive head nodding finally showing her that I was crazy. Wednesday grinned and walked off, this time her hands by her sides instead of in her back pockets. This time it was my fault for looking at her bottom, there was no excuse. I tried to pull my eyes away but the muscle underneath her shorts moved rhythmically up and down, making my eyes widen at such a simple action. The shorts spun around in my view and I blushed a deep beetroot shade as I realised she had turned around. Her face danced with a small smile as she caught my gaze, her cheeks slightly pink but nowhere near the shade my face was. She winked at me before turning around. I almost ran into the house to escape the horrible feeling that if Wednesday hadn’t been so nice about it, I could have ruined one of the best things that had ever happened to me. She was talking to me, she would walk with me tomorrow. And yes, she did seem to like me, surprising after all I had done.

I sighed happily, closing the door behind me and stepped into the house, ready to box up my inappropriate thoughts and close myself off from everyone until tomorrow when I would see her again.


	8. Punishment

Bobby! I remembered him suddenly, dropping my bag by the door and running to find my little brother. He didn’t understand, didn’t know. He could be with Mother right now, telling her everything, childish understandings coming from his mouth while Mother just sat calmly listening, ideas of painful revenge boiling in the fires of her mind. My eyes scanned the hallway, then the dining room, then the kitchen for Bobby but they found nothing, no signs of the small boy anywhere. I suddenly had a horrible image in my head, of Mother with Bobby, the basement door already locked and the cries muffled with a piece of cloth covering his previously innocent face…

“Isabella, what are you doing?” My little brother watched my scared, hunched up form as I turned from facing the basement to the stairs, where he sat worriedly looking at me, his school bag still on his back.

I breathed out a sigh of great relief and ran to him. This time Bobby didn’t welcome my hug and shoved me off, his face screwed up.

“Get off me, idiot!”

I slapped him hard across the face, the frown he had been previously wearing disappearing to be replaced by one of shock. I looked at the red handprint staining his pale cheek and wanted to cry. In that instance, he had become one of them, one of the girls at school, the name calling popular children. Their words sharp in their mouths as they lashed into me. I had promised myself that I would never let Mother hurt him and then had done the exact opposite by hitting him myself.

“Bobby, I’m so-“He ran up the stairs, tears already rolling down his cheeks, making my own eyes fill with water.

How could I do that? How could I convince myself that I was so different from Mother when I did something like that? My legs moved to follow him, words of apologise already coming to the front of my mind, words I knew would mean nothing, because I was the one that had caused his pain.

“Isabella, darling, could you come down here for a minute please?”

The words were soft and kind, barely audible but I was sure they were real. I couldn’t really be imagining them. Could the fear of Mother really have got that great? I looked up the stairs, imagining myself switching places with my baby brother, imagining hiding under my bed while Bobby faced the woman who waited for him downstairs. I could run, I could hide, I could even walk out the front door if I wanted. But where would I go? What would I do? I knew there were no answers but still I could hide. The punishment would surely be greater if she had to find me first, her patience wearing thinner and thinner by the moment.

“Isabella, now please!”

The kindly tone still remained but even a stranger could tell, this was the voice of someone who was slowly losing her calm. Something that Mother never seemed to do, from what she did when she was calm, I didn’t want to know what she could do when angered. My legs shook as I moved them step by step towards the door, the handle seeming to glow in the dim lamp light, mocking me as if it knew what awaited me downstairs. I imagined her waiting, her fingers tapping and eyes resting on the door. I thought of previous mind games and threats, her circling me and prodding me, my mind slowly unravelling. I could recall my times in the basement well, tied to a chair with the knife’s edge always dangling just a centimetre over my chest never touching. This was the new favourite punishment, her eyes daring me to breathe so she could plunge the cold steel straight into my chest. The times she had left me locked there for days had been the worst. I had water but no food, the white washed walls had begun to spin and twist into the strangest shapes right before my very eyes. The whispering had been the worst, after the second day, the constant whispering words, simple playground jibes twisted into worse things by the haunting voices that seemed to come from everywhere. The walls and floor, the ceiling and worst of all, the door, its handle tempting me to try and open it, the gleam to it hurting my eyes, a mocking mouth in amongst the ghostly white paint.

I opened the door, letting the yellow light from behind it blind me for a second, allowing myself to blink hard so that I could see what lay within. My feet turned me to the stairs which seemed to stretch out forever, the dirty steps that were coated in a muddy substance that was nowhere else in the house. I breathed in the musky smell, letting it wrap itself around me and hold me tightly in its embrace. The white walls moved past me, a strange contrast from the dirty carpet, too quickly and I tried to slow my feet so that I would reach the basement even a second later. Already the second door loomed in front of me, already the handle reflected a pale, sad girl watching it. I could see the image of the shaky hand grasp the handle as I stilled my trembling on the cold metal surface. I listened intently, not surprised when I was met by nothing but silence. I opened the door.

Mother stood with her back to me, humming slightly under her breath as she carefully moved the iron back and forth over what looked like one of Bobby’s school shirts. She paused as the door creaked open and the iron stilled in mid-air, a clear reflection of myself looking back at me, a trembling wreck before Mother had even begun. I felt like if I could have seen her face, she would have been smiling.

“How nice of you to join me,” her words confused me but I tried to keep my face straight, not daring to move from the doorway.

“Come on, sweetheart,” her back told me, her hand busying itself with Bobby’s shirt once more, “And shut the door please!”

I took one last glance up the stairwell before closing the door to it, my mind swimming with the images of escape that I knew I would never be courageous enough to attempt. I turned back to Mother and jumped slightly, as she now stood behind me, her head turned down to look at me and her icy stare meeting my gaze. She stepped back, surprising me and touched her hand to my back, making me step forward quickly at the unusual touch of her hand. A small smile stretched over her lips but it was fake and the venomous look never left her eyes. She shoved me forwards again until I was stood up against the ironing board, my blouse meeting the worn fabric. Mother circled around until she was facing me, her hands carefully folded over each other on the board so that my gaze fell down. Her hands swiftly folded Bobby’s shirt and she seemed to pull out one of my skirts from nowhere, her hands flattening the material.

“So today, I decided I would teach you how to iron,” her voice was flat, the soft quality gone, “You’re old enough to be doing it yourself now.”

I wanted to nod or reply but I was incapable of moving. I knew there had to be more, why else would she have chosen the basement for this task?

“Here you go!” Her hands pressed the iron’s handle into my sweaty palm and my clumsy hand gripped it cautiously.

A jet of steam came out as I pressed an unknown button near the top as I tried to steady the iron with my other hand. I watched the steam gather in the air before floating away, leaving the basement scene quickly before anything more could happen. I sucked in my breath and let my eyes wander to Mother but she remained looking at my face, watching my every moment. I looked at the iron and the skirt laid out before me and breathed out shakily, knowing I had no idea how to iron and knew I would fail at the task. I hovered the iron over the material, watching my shaky hand and finally plucked up the courage to touch the hot object to the skirt. I stilled the iron, trying to figure out what to do next and looked back at Mother, whose face had changed into a gleeful expression. I looked back down and realised my mistake instantly. I pulled the iron off and saw the black mark where the material had burnt. I felt my mouth move as if to speak, apologise, but no words came out.

“You silly girl!” The word was playful and I looked up her, confused by the tone to her voice. Her eyes held mine but it wasn’t until a second later as her eyes took on that cold icy edge that I realised my second mistake. Her hands worked quickly at pulling up my blouse sleeve and pressing the hot object onto my skin. Her other hand held me tightly as I tried to pull away, the searing pain of the iron burning my skin. I could feel tears run down my cheeks, blurring my vision and screams come freely from my throat. I imagined Bobby stood by the door, hearing the cries but the burning pain filled my body, the heat ripping into my flesh. I felt like I was choking on the air I breathed in and thought I could smell meat cooking from somewhere. Just when I thought I would faint from the pain, her spidery fingers released me and I collapsed onto the floor, my head hitting first, causing the room to spin and Mother’s form to move closer towards me. I could feel her breath on my face and my feet were suddenly on to floor again, my body using the ironing board for support. I tried not to look at the burned flesh which I could see out of the corner of my eye, the red against the white of my skin and the skin flaking off to reveal raw skin underneath. The smell was still ripe in the air and my nose was filled with the burnt meaty smell, the contents of my stomach swirling at the memory of lunch.

Her mouth smiled at her kindly, her face calm and she brought my burned arm up to meet the iron handle, making the room spin again and a new cry of pain escape my throat. She let the iron go so that my arm now held it, the pain making the image of my Mother swim into a devilish form, her eyes large and smile wider until it overlapped her face. The eyes remained unblinking as her lips opened to reveal her pearly teeth.

“Again.”


	9. Aftermath

I pulled my clean white blouse over myself, wincing at the motion. My arms were sore and red, the skin peeling back in a way that made my stomach clench. I tried to ignore the tears which were making their way down both cheeks, instead concentrating on my school day. I had maths, science, music, art and re. I could live with the maths, science and re, the thought of re took away a small piece of the pain I felt. But music and art. They were my only two lessons without Rebecca and the thought of spending any time on my own today, at the bay of my thoughts, was too much to bear. I wanted to let my thoughts spin off, wanted to let my mind drift off to the girl with the perfect body, perfect face, perfect voice; perfect everything. But as much as I tried, I couldn’t escape the real world, the pain still too fresh. I carefully buttoned up my sleeves, hissing in pain as my fingers grazed the burnt skin. I pulled on my skirt and combed through my hair with my fingers, closing my eyes, imagining stroking hair that was longer and silkier than mine. Imagined long blond hair running down my shoulders, imagined the dirty blond colour shining in the light and imagined everyone’s eyes on me as I flicked it carelessly out of my eyes, just another feature about me that made me beautiful. That made me Wednesday…

“Isabella, it’s time for school.”

I opened my eyes and I was once again in my white thread bare room, a skinny mouse haired girl with plain eyes, a boring face, no figure to speak of and a lack of personality to boot. I picked up my bag too quickly, pulling it onto my back and causing the peeling skin to pull back further from my flesh, making me wince. At least the bleeding had stopped. Mother had left me in the basement until late that evening, before she had dragged me up the stairs, into the bathroom to wash myself. I could still remember her spidery fingers touching my skin, kneading my hair with shampoo like I was a small child. I hadn’t tried to resist as she had scrubbed me as hard as she could, like she was determined to scrub everything that was wrong with me away. Unsuccessfully.

Bobby stood, pale faced, at the bottom of the stairs waiting for me. He smiled at me and gave me a hug, which caused a grimace of pain to show on my face. I tried to hide my expression in Bobby’s curls but Mother saw it, alright, her grin smug on her face as she was reminded of all the pain she constantly caused me. Bobby’s eyes searched my face but by then I was composed and ready for the day. I carefully rubbed under my eyes to remove any signs of tears but if Bobby hadn’t noticed then my crying couldn’t have been that obvious. Or else he was simply being kind to me.

“Goodbye sweetie,” Mother clasped Bobby in a tight hug and he melted into her, his little body pulled tight into her arms.

I watched her face as she seemed to challenge me, daring me to stop her. There was nothing I could do but watch. Watch the motherly love that I would never receive. Bobby moved away and I shut the door firmly behind us, not looking back to see Mother. Not wanting the memory of her cold eyes with me that day. Bobby didn’t chat like usual, his quiet nature worried me. Maybe he still hadn’t quite forgiven me for hitting him yesterday though he didn’t seem to hate me like I thought he would. I could only assume he had heard my screams in the night, Mother had lost control of one thing that night anyway. Bobby knew. What he knew, I couldn’t tell you. He didn’t seem to relate my screams to Mother as he had hugged her happily enough a second ago. But he had heard, he knew something was wrong. In some ways I was glad, maybe he would understand, he would realise the kind of person our Mother really was. But with this knowledge would surely come the pain I received, would come the realisation that the world was mean and cruel. That life really did only get worse. I was going to shield him from this for as long as I was able too. He didn’t need all this in his life, I barely got through my days. How could my little brother cope?

I embraced him in a big hug, willing him to melt into me like he had Mother but he simply shoved me off, sighing a little at me before waving me off as he walked into school. I watched him go, his bag big on his back making him look even smaller. And more fragile. I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I almost didn’t notice the popular girls calls after me as I crossed the playground. Almost. I didn’t turn to acknowledge them, just walked faster, thoughts of Rebecca waiting for me in form filling my head. Of her kindness and how I didn’t appreciate it enough. I needed her now, she was the only one who I could talk to about Mother. The shouts got louder as they gained on me and I heard the bell go, meaning that form had already begun. The playground emptied out fast, the kids scrambling past me to reach the doors. I wanted to break out into a run but told myself to calm down. It wasn’t until a perfectly manicured hand caught my hair sharply that I began to panic.

“Where do you think you’re going, freak?” The voice was high pitched and I suddenly thought of Wednesday’s voice, the deep song-like quality, compared to the shrill cry of this girl. I barely knew any of the girls, my heart thumped slightly louder in my chest to see there were seven of them in total, all with fully made up pouts and fake eyelashes that made their stares even more menacing. I tried to pull out of her grasp but found her hand surprisingly strong on my head.

“No, nerd. You’re gonna hang out with us now!” They all fell about laughing at the girl’s remark.

I could feel my breath getting faster and I tried to claw my way out of her grip but two other girls came to help the first, laughing as I struggled. I had dealt with the comments, the occasional shove but never had anything like this happened. Were they actually going to hurt me? I was brought back to the present by a girl slapping me hard across the face, her nails catching my cheek. I gave a squeak which was met by shrieks of laughter. I shut my eyes tight, trying to block them out but this just earned me a few more harsh slaps before my hair was given a painful tug. Suddenly I could smell the over whelming scent of perfume and the horrible harsh chemical smell of hair product. Hot breath touched my cheek and I squirmed to get away, though to no avail.

“We saw you, freak. Walking with that other lesbo freak! All we’re saying is stay away, you hear? She’s not worth anything, even a little shit like you should have got that! I mean you just have to take one look at that cheap tart to know that!”

The laughter sounded like hyena calls in the silence of the playground. I tried to move away but it was no use. The laughing face of the girl was in front of me, her breath still hot on my face, her perfume choking me. The words ‘cheap tart’ echoed in my head. I tried to push away the anger that was boiling up inside of me, knowing no good could come of it. But suddenly, I couldn’t help it, I saw red. I punched the girl as hard as I could in the face, sending her backwards onto the gravel, her legs sticking up in the air in an unattractive way, her skirt up to her waist revealing a bright pink thong. I should have run, I had the chance but the panic I had previously felt had suddenly left me. In that moment I felt invincible. The remaining girls pinned me down onto the floor so quickly that I didn’t have time to pull my head up, instead letting it bang hard onto the ground. The world spun and a blurry image of the girl I had hit swam into view. Her hands flew again and again at my face and neck, her nails embedding themselves into my skin and her face like an angry demon as I saw flecks of my blood stain her usually perfect clothes. The other girls egged her on to start with but as my screams begin to subside into whimpers and as my thrashing became mere wriggles, they stopped, leaving silence to accompany the animal like noises the girl was making.

My arms cried out as the girls nails dug into them, the skin peeling off more so that I could feel the blood once again start to appear. All of a sudden, it stopped, apparently I had suffered enough for now. I don’t remember them leaving, I just remember Rebecca’s tear stained face looking down at me from where I still lay on the playground.

“Isabella, say something, please?!”

I wanted to answer her but needed to use my remaining energy to concentrate on her face, the corners of my eyes showed the black that threatened to swallow me if I dared not look at Rebecca. She pulled me to my feet and then the world swam again. Cold water drowned my face and I fought against it.

“No, honey. This is good, this will help you!”

The voice was familiar and yet not Rebecca’s. I blinked hard and the playground morphed into the girl’s bathroom. The grey brick walls and the faint scent of urine underneath the heavy perfumed smell told me that. I blinked again and realised that I was upside down. My hair hung down over my knees and I tried desperately to fight against whatever was pushing me down. 

“No! I’m trying to stop you from fainting and you’re not helping me out much! Just stay still, okay?”

Two red trainers with purple stars on walked into my view and I gasped a little at the sight of them. Wednesday. It was all I could do not to faint anyway. I tried hard to think of something else other than the fact her hand was pressed down onto my back. Her legs were so close to me, the muscles almost pressed into my face as she put more pressure on my back in case I moved again. Though there was no danger of me moving anymore. The room remained still and quiet. I wondered where Rebecca was. The pressure on my back disappeared and I sighed at the absence of her hand. Her hands moved to my arms and she pulled me up slowly. Despite her gentle touch, the burnt skin still stung under her fingertips and I moaned as the pain returned. She let go of my arms, moving them to my shoulders, where the pain was a little easier to cope with. Her soft eyes melted into mine and a small smile traced her lips.

“Are you okay?” She asked, leaving me breathless as her voice filled the air, taking me away from this place, making the bad things in the world seemingly disappear. Her eyes remained as the world around us darkened. I fainted.


	10. Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haven't updated for a while but if you read please comment.  
> I love crictism! Honestly:)

I awoke to the strong smell of disinfectant and sick. I wrinkled my nose at the horrible smell and tried to go back to sleep. My eyes opened suddenly as I remembered what had happened. A bright light from above burned my eyes and I had to blink sharply. The light shaped itself before my eyes into a single light bulb hung from the ceiling. I watched it for a second before letting my eyes travel around the school’s medical room. I was alone except for a small child who sat quietly staring into the bottom of a bucket, her face the colour of green. I guessed that that was where the sick smell was coming from. I shut my eyes a moment trying to remember everything. I remembered Mother this morning, the girl’s fingernails digging into me, Rebecca helping me up and then … Wednesday with her hand pressed onto my back to steady me, her wetting my face. Her legs just inches from my face, the flawless pale white skin, I could almost feel the warmth radiating from them as I remembered back. I imagined touching them, stroking them, kissing the perfect skin. I imagined the taste of it, her clean smell. I imagined so many different things, in my half-awake state but it didn’t matter; nothing mattered in that moment but her.

“Oh good! You’re awake!” A large smiling woman seemed to have appeared in front of me, her red face and uniform telling me she was the school nurse.

She gave me an easy smile before taking a seat next to the bed where I lay. The chair creaked uneasily as she sat down and I imagined Mother’s lips squeezing together tightly at the noise. The woman smiled again, her face actually showing concern. I remembered the cuts on my face and could only imagine what I must have looked like to her, a poor innocent child, bullied for the clothes she wore, for being different. If only she knew … I looked down at myself, remembering the night before and the iron burning my skin. I hoped that the blood wasn’t visible through my blouse.

My sleeves had been pulled up to my shoulders, revealing the peeling and red raw bloody skin. My eyes widened and my hands moved quickly to hide them. But the nurse was faster, catching my hands before I could touch them. As she caught my hand, she accidently touched one of my arms and I hissed in pain. She looked concerned but placed my hands firmly down by my sides. I watched her, unsure about what she intended to do. Mother’s eyes burned into my mind and I saw the cold flecks of them dance as she thought of all the most horrible punishments she could for me. This woman knew. She knew now what Mother did to me. She knew, Bobby knew, maybe even Wednesday knew … The thought made me sick. Of Wednesday pitying me. Just like everyone else would if they knew, when they knew.

“Oh, sweetheart!” It wasn’t until the woman spoke that I realised I was crying, childish tears running down my face and sobs escaping my throat.

She looked like she wanted to hug me but even I knew teachers and school workers were supposed to keep their distance. She patted my shoulder while I tried hard not to wince again. The woman moved to her desk, her large figure blocking me from seeing what she was doing. I took the opportunity to wipe my tears from my face, ignoring the sting from my arms. My tears burned my face as I carelessly tried to wipe them away, only aggravating the cuts from the girl’s fingernails. But still I attempted to gain a little dignity, wiping my nose and clearing my throat. I noticed the small girl’s eyes watching me from over the top of the bucket, her hair hanging limply alongside her greening complexion. I gave her a small smile to show her that I wasn’t really as scary as her wide eyed look made me out to be. She looked confused but a hint of a smile touched her lips before she threw up nosily into the bucket.

“Now keep still, pet,” the nurse gestured to my arms as she removed the lid from a small tube of cooling gel.

She wiped the gel along my arms, skirting around the worst marks and watching my face carefully for discomfort. But the gel felt nice, soothing on the hot burns. I gave a small sigh of relief and she took that as a sign to carry on. My mind slowly seemed to clear and it felt like, in that moment, that I was able to think clearly for the first time in ages. I was disappointed when she screwed the cap back on and began to wrap my arms in bandage. That’s when I remembered Rebecca. Where was she? And more importantly why had she taken me to the nurse? We looked after each other. That was the unspoken rule. Rebecca’s locker held a small but much needed medical kit. When Mother or Rebecca’s Mother were particularly vicious with their methods the night before, we would use the kit to help sort ourselves out. It was necessary if we were to survive the day at school. To take me to the nurse was like betraying me as a friend. The cuts on my face didn’t even seem to faze the nurse and I could simply have spoken any excuse to my teachers that day, it’s not like any of them really cared. But the nurse on the other hand, she had seen my burns and there would surely be consequences to that.

Once my arms were bandaged, she carefully rolled my sleeves back down, covering up the offending sight. She raised my head for a moment to study the scratches on my face but simply sighed before smoothing a piece of my hair and giving me another caring smile. She turned away from me to sort out the small girl who had now stopped being sick and was watching us, her eyes still big in her small face. There was nothing I could really do so I glanced around the room, taking in the healthy eating signs and contraception posters; my eyes skipping over these as I felt my cheeks flush a little. It was then that I saw a mirror on the opposite wall, it was angled slightly away from me but if I shuffled sideways a little then, I could almost-

My bloody face stared back at me. No wonder the ill girl had looked afraid of me. There seemed to be more blood red on my face than my pale skin colour. Scratches lined my forehead, cheeks and even the bridge of my nose and a deep cut ran from my jaw to my collarbone. I wondered what the girl’s fingers had looked like afterwards, surely her fake nails could not still be perfectly intact. I cautiously raised a shaking hand to touch the deep cut and moaned as my finger made contact with it.

“Yes, they really are something, aren’t they?” The nurse’s bitter voice startled me and I flinched away from the sound of her voice, causing my arms to give a silent scream of pain.

The small girl was now gone, leaving us both alone in the room. She moved to sit next to me but this time sat on the bed. She was close, perhaps intending the gesture to be mothering and kindly, as she watched my mixed expression of confusion and discomfort, but it only made me want to move away from her.

“They’re nothing compared to your arms though!” Her voice was no longer bitter but kind, her eyes soft on my face and for a second I wished for a mother, a parent, a best friend that could look at me like that. That could love me unconditionally. Rebecca, it seemed had abandoned me. Now I had no one. I wondered if Wednesday could ever look at me like that but dismissed the thought immediately. I would always be a freak and a loser in her eyes, how could I matter to someone as beautiful as her? I was so wrapped up in my mind that I barely realised what she had said to me. Something about … My arms. My cheeks flushed dark as I realised what she knew. She knew about how pathetic I was. How Mother hurt me. How horrible I was of a person to deserve this. I studied the bed covers deeply, looking at the folds in the sheets that I had caused from lying on it. The nurse’s hand surprised me by moving my head to face hers, her face straight and serious, so different to her previous kind one.

“Please don’t tell anyone,” my voice came out in a whisper, the words croaky and small, after all the tears I had cried so far that morning.

I could feel my face start to crumple and suddenly I was grasped into a hug, her body coating me like a large blanket, warming me instantly. It was over too soon, the nurse remembering her role in the school but all I wanted was someone to hold me while I cried. I cried harder as I was left alone on the bed, the woman now moving to the chair but her hand remaining on my knee, awkwardly patting me.

“It’s okay, sweetheart. It will all be okay now!” Her voice made me want to believe her but I couldn’t.

While Mother was still waiting for me at home, I was never going to be okay. I don’t know how I still had tears to cry after the night and day I had had but still water flowed freely from my eyes. I should be used to it all now, used to the girls at school, used to Mother and my life at home. So why now was I in tears? Why now had I somehow been careless enough to let this woman see my burns? Wednesday. But it wasn’t her fault. How could it be? But I remembered seeing her before I had fainted the second time, she had been there so … So she had taken me to the nurse. I imagined her frightened and scared as she watched me faint on to the floor and with no other option, having to get help so that I could be taken to the medical room. I tried to think of Wednesday being scared … And failed. Didn’t it seem more likely that she had been a little worried, but not wanting to deal with me herself, and had gotten a teacher? I didn’t know. She was pretty, more than that, beautiful, like some of the other girls yet she was so different, she glowed and had something special that no one else had, like she held a secret that only she knew. And she seemed to want to share that secret with me.

“

You know, self-harming is a very serious thing," her voice was soft and I barely heard it.

I wished I had been listening to what she was saying but the single thought of Wednesday caring about me, even a little, was enough to make fireworks almost explode in my chest. The idea of anyone caring, actually caring, was enough to still my breath. But the nurse was looking at me, worriedly, her eyes watching my expression which was presumably showing confusion at her words. I really wasn’t following her. Self-harming. It sounded like a dirty word in my mind, it was a word that I recalled once from a school assembly long ago but the idea of hurting myself in such a way as had been described, seemed stupid in my mind. After Mother had spent so long taunting me with the threat of one of her punishments, could I imagine wanting to cause myself that pain? No, it seemed stupid, an unspeakable thing to do. The word had been mentioned once in church, or so I remembered. It was sinful, I knew that. To hurt oneself and destroy the body that God had created for you. I realised the nurse was still watching me worriedly.

“Your arms…” Her eyes followed mine as we both glanced down at my now covered arms, which had before shown the iron burns and flaking skin but now only showed the white blouse sleeves, slightly puffy with the bandages underneath. It took me a second to realise what the nurse was implying. That I had done this to myself. Her eyes were back on me and I realised that no matter how I tried I wouldn’t be able to defend myself, I couldn’t protect myself against the speech on self-harming that was sure to follow. All I knew was that she would never believe me. She would never know of the agony I endured. And I could never tell her. I deserved all that I got, so why should I fight it? My sick thoughts of Wednesday that I couldn’t get out of my head, the horrible ideas of telling someone about life at home that would sometimes creep into my mind. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow, I could tell someone, anyone and they could make the pain go away. But the pain never would, no one would ever understand.


	11. Starting over

I ignored Rebecca all through Maths, despite her horrible voice hot in my ear with questions and apologises for all that had happened that morning. I had left the medical room halfway through Maths, having already missed Music but that was alright, although I had had to apologise to the Maths teacher and walk to his desk in front of the whole class to hand him my nurse’s note. All eyes were on my face and even the teacher looked a little taken aback. Rebecca just gave me a smile as I sat down but I didn’t give her one back. The nurse had been quite determined to send me home but the idea of half a day at home with Mother seemed like a death sentence. The nurse had promised me that she would keep my ‘problems’ between us, yet I wasn’t an idiot, I knew how the school system worked. By the afternoon all the teachers would know, that evening they would bring the subject up at their dinner tables and then the next day the teacher’s children would have great gossip for all of their friends. Soon I would surely be the problem kid, not that Rebecca would care, she had already twigged something was wrong; other than the obvious marks that scarred my face.

I now scanned the room, looking for any of the girls that had attacked me that morning and saw one empty seat, that I was sure belonged to a blond popular girl whose face I could only half remember. Though I certainly hadn’t given the nurse any names when she had asked, just silently shaking my head. She had said nothing, me having probably given her the answer she had expected. I was certain my life could get a whole lot worse if I was to tell on the girls; though I didn’t know their names, their faces would be easy to remember if I were to see them. My eyes looked across the rest of the room and slowed as I spotted the bent head of dirty blond hair near the front of the room. I could only see her hair but knew it was her. I wished I could see more of her, get her attention somehow but she was bent over her desk, seemingly hard at work. Though she was clever, I couldn’t exactly imagine her studiously working away. I imagine her as an artist, maybe she could make beautiful works of art flow from the ends of her pencil, effortlessly drawing masterpieces between her lessons. Art didn’t seem so pointless when I thought of her doing it. Maybe she was a writer, I could see that too. Or a musician, a singer …

I let myself forget about my work and stare happily at her head, imagining the wonderful thoughts she had and the beauty of her mind compared to one as simple and boring as mine. I hoped she would still talk to me and my fainting earlier hadn’t scared her away. I hoped that she would still walk home with me later, maybe she would try and talk to me in lessons, or at break or lunch. I loved that idea, though Rebecca wouldn’t be so happy. Her disapproving face when Wednesday had entered the lunch hall on her first day said it all. Though I didn’t care about what she thought. Wednesday was beautiful.

The bell went and I immediately looked down at my book, my cheeks darkening as I realised I had done hardly any work. Rebecca glanced at my empty page too but didn’t comment, simply taking mine and her books to the pile at the front of the room. I watched as Wednesday stood up and walked in front of Rebecca with her book clutched in her hands. I couldn’t see from this far off what colour her nails were today but could clearly see she was wearing her denim shorts and her black top once again. It was the outfit she had been wearing when I first saw her and decided it was my favourite. Though Wednesday looked good in anything, I loved the way her black top made the white of her skin stand out more against the soft fabric. The shorts hugged her legs and as she turned back to her desk, I quickly dropped my eyes to her back pockets, watching the muscles move underneath them. I knew I was staring but a magnetic force seemed to draw my eyes there. I had never felt this way and didn’t think I ever would again. She was perfect.

The teacher dismissed us and we left hurriedly, the class quickly filing out for break. I waited for Rebecca and was about to turn away with her, to sit on the usual wall we would sit on when a hand touched my shoulder lightly. My breath caught in my throat as I spotted Wednesday, her flawless face in a smile and her eyes wide. I looked down at my feet, thinking of the horrible scratches which covered my face but kept looking up again, not able to keep my eyes off of her.

“What do you want?” Rebecca’s face was stony as she glared at Wednesday and I wanted so badly to hit her in that moment, that I had to physically hold one arm back with the other.

“Um … I actually wanted to talk to Isabella,” I realised she had never spoken my name before, I had always hated my name but the way she said it made me shiver, it rolled so nicely off her small pink tongue.

“Well she doesn’t want to talk to you!” Rebecca’s hand tried to pull me away but I shoved her off, leaving her looking wounded back at me. But if Wednesday wanted to talk to me then there was no possible way I could not.

“Rebecca, I’ll just be a minute,” I tried to keep my voice level as I felt the deep indigo pools watching me, drawing me into them.

Rebecca sighed loudly at me, her eyes wide as she looked from me to Wednesday but she moved out of the door towards our usual meeting place. I felt bad for leaving her alone but I needed to talk to Wednesday. The need was so strong that it really was almost magnetic, I liked her so much, it was impossible to keep my eyes off her. She smiled kindly at me before moving forwards a few steps until when she spoke I could feel her breath on my face. The warmth made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end and I had to stop myself from moving any closer to her. For one crazy moment , I thought she was going to kiss me.

“So … How are you?” She whispered, her eyes drifting to the deep cut on my neck.

I moved my hand to cover where her eyes rested but only made myself wince.

“Don’t!” Her hand brushed my hand from my neck, lightly touching my shoulder as she did so and making me shiver.

My hand remained in the air, unsure about what to do. Her hand stayed slightly above my shoulder and our eyes connected. I thought of moving my hand to meet hers but before I could do anything, Wednesday’s hand was on mine. Her nails were red today and I watched as our hands entwined, enjoying the feeling of her skin on mine. I looked open mouthed at our hands and realised how right they looked together, how perfect. Her eyes were on me and my heart thumped loudly in my chest as her other hand reached up and stroked my face. Her fingers delicately traced the scratches. It hurt and I couldn’t bring myself to make a sound, afraid of this ever ending.

“We match,” she whispered, breaking the silence.

I frowned, confused until she held out her red nails for me to see before lightly stroking my deep red cut. I smiled at her, noticing when she smiled back that she looked sad. I would have done anything to make her laugh in that moment but I was still so nervous, even though she was caressing my face and holding my hand, I didn’t know what to say to her. How could this be wrong and a bad thing when it felt so right?

The bell sounded, making us spring apart. I gasped and looked at Wednesday, whose eyes had widened a little. We both gave a nervous laugh and she pushed a strand of her hair behind her ear. Students started to fill the corridors and the quiet was broken by the shouts of the other children. Wednesday said something, her painted lips moving so that her tongue danced inside her mouth, just as a group of older boys started a shoving contest a few feet away from us, their voices drowning out her words.

“Pardon?” I shouted back at her, gesturing to my ear to show her I didn’t hear.

She rolled her eyes in her usual way, making my heart leap a little as she gave a real smile this time. Her hand found mine and pulled me away from the boys, down the corridor. The warmth from our grasp filled me up and I tried desperately to concentrate on moving forwards instead of thinking about what was happening; I’m quite sure she wouldn’t appreciate having to drag me along. A few eyes were on us as we walked one behind the other with our hands still entwined. I tried not to care but couldn’t help my cheeks turning a pink colour. But there was no way I was going to pull away first and her tight grip told me she was enjoying my touch as much as I was hers. I still wasn’t completely sure where we were going, and to be honest didn’t care. It wasn’t until we were stood outside our science classroom that she let go of my hand, with some difficulty I will say, as I really didn’t want to let go. When I realised what she was trying to do, I quickly dropped my hand and hung my head, a little embarrassed but she grinned at me.

“It’s not that I don’t want to hold your hand!” Her voice laughed at me but the tone made me smile a little; I couldn’t help it, if she was happy then so was I.

“Then what is it?” I felt stupid for asking but I really did want to know that it was nothing I had done. Did she not want to be seen with me? As much as it hurt, I wouldn’t blame her if she said it, I wasn’t exactly the most popular of girls.

“It’s just … I thought you…” She seemed stuck at what to say and pondered a minute, staring at me as she did so. As much as I loved looking at her, a moment ago when we had been looking into each other’s eyes, I would have given anything to be back in that moment, but now she seemed to be hypocritical looking at me as if trying to spot some flaw (I had many so it shouldn’t have taken long), it was making me unconformable.

“I guess, I wasn’t sure if you were sure about any of this. What I’m trying to say, is that you don’t seem like someone who’s gay!” Any other person might have looked at the floor or maybe showed signs of discomfort but Wednesday looked deep into my eyes, as if trying to find the answer for herself. I wanted to look away from her but her eyes were filled with so many emotions that I just wanted to stare into them forever, discovering each new feeling and trying to trace it right to its source.

I reached my hand for hers and held it fast, stroking her fingers individually from the palms of her hands right to the tips of each perfectly coloured nail. She tried to bite back a smile as I did so and ended up giggling. I giggled too, so unsure by what I was doing but just enjoying touching her in this small way. I didn’t know what I was doing, I thought I had known this was wrong, that this was bad but now she was with me, stood close enough to touch, those thoughts were far away. Wednesday squeezed my hand before letting it go and walking into lesson. I watched her walk away, not feeling quite so guilty as my eyes fall down to her shorts. She turned and blushed a little, as did I, when she spotted where my gaze fell.

“Come on, pervert!” Her voice was laughing and even though I knew she was joking, I still quickly averted my eyes and followed her inside.

The teacher had already started talking and he gave us a dirty stare as we took our seats at the front of the room. All the other students looked up at us and I once again remembered the scratches and felt my face turn its usual rouge shade. Wednesday simply gave the teacher a bright smile before sitting down. Rebecca didn’t even look up at us as we entered, staring too hard at the textbook in front of her. I wanted to apologise but it didn’t seem like a big issue, especially with Wednesday’s eyes watching me instead of the teacher throughout most of the lesson. At one point, we had to divide into pairs and after giving Rebecca’s arm a gentle shove and receiving no response, I turned to Wednesday. We were supposed to do an experiment but the teacher had turned away to do some marking and as usual, no one in the class moved to do the work. Rebecca stood up awkwardly, used to me helping her but Wednesday didn’t seem to be in a hurry to move.

“What’s up with your friend?” Wednesday’s eyes watched Rebecca as she moved quietly to a work bench, collecting her equipment. I watched her sadly but she didn’t seem to notice, despite the colour of her face as a group of popular children near the back row began to snigger.

“I’m not sure…” I began but found that Wednesday was impossible to lie too, her eyes big in her face like she knew I was lying.

“Well, I don’t think she likes you. Sorry …” I added awkwardly, biting my lip but she simply shrugged.

“I don’t care. I’m sort of used to it,” she gave me an easy smile.

Her smile remained but she started to bite her lip as her eyes watched Rebecca. I wanted to reach out for her to ease her discomfort but didn’t want to do it in front of the rest of the class. I wanted to tell her that no one liked me much either, but couldn’t find a way to tell her without it sounding too much like I was trying to please her. We didn’t talk a lot but it didn’t matter, I just liked watching her and looking into her beautiful eyes, they were so captivating, they seemed to dance as she moved her head and her hair moved of its own accord, she had to keep moving her hand to twirl the strands round her finger and back behind her ear. I hadn’t realised it before but her left ear held a diamond stud in the upper corner and it twinkled in the light, reminding me of her belly button ring, which was out of sight under the desk. I wanted to reach out and touch it but was aware that there were still a few eyes on Wednesday, not that I could really blame the boys for staring at her; that’s what I couldn’t stop doing. Though I had been confident with Wednesday before, I was glad she had kept her distance that lesson, I didn’t want Rebecca to see. With Wednesday, I was happy but I knew the horrible taunting thoughts were just waiting for her to leave before they could descend on me, filling my mind with doubts.

Everyone seemed to be giving her a wide berth though after that first day of school. I badly wanted to ask her what had happened but didn’t want to spoil anything, the situation seemed so fragile like a single word would break us. Us. It sounded so good to say, if there was an ‘us’ and I hoped that there could be. I really did like her. Even after only 3 days, the idea of not seeing her tomorrow actually hurt me, somewhere deep inside, a pain different to the one on my face and arms, it stung but in a heart wrenching way. When the bell went, I packed away my stuff and followed Wednesday out of the room, letting her hand guide me off somewhere. I wasn’t sure where but it didn’t matter because I would be with her.


	12. This is Love

We sat on the field, right at the back in a part I had never been before. I and Rebecca kept to the dining hall even in summer, where we could mostly keep ourselves to ourselves. I had followed Wednesday without thinking of my friend but now I hated myself for walking off and leaving her alone; she had ignored me but that didn’t mean she deserved to be abandoned. I pushed these thoughts away, concentrating on the girl opposite me. We sat under a low branched oak tree, the leaves still miraculously on the branches even though it was nearing February. They acted as a shield between us and the rest of the field, leaving me completely alone with her for the first time. I was nervous, unbelievably nervous that I would say something wrong or bring that sad gleam back to her eyes. I stared at her now, she was picking at a loosening piece of rubber on her trainers and I took the opportunity to study her properly. She was beautiful, her skin still flawless and her make up perfect. Her legs looked longer up close and her shorts hugged her flesh more, revealing the curves of her thighs and bottom. Up close, I could see some flaws which I hadn’t noticed before. Her trainers were a little worn and faded, the red colour chipping off on the soles. Her blazer was unravelling at the cuffs and I now realised that her black top underneath wasn’t actually that short, it was only that her blazer was too big for her. Somehow she had hitched up the sleeves so that her hands were still bare and her nails on show, but these were just little things that I could see up close to her.

And she was close. I sat with my legs crossed while she had hers out stretched to one side. Our legs were centimetres away and as she shifted her position every so often, her pale legs moved closer to the fabric of my long skirt. When we sat so close, it was more obvious how inferior I was to Wednesday. While she was beautiful and unique in the way she dressed and looked, I was clearly labelled ‘nerd’ with my long skirt and loose fitting blouse. My hair hung plainly by my head while hers held some hidden quality which made it bounce in waves, caressing her cheeks and chin. My face was bare, holding no make-up while hers was outlined and perfected so that her eyes stood out in her face; her cheeks a natural rose colour and her lips full and stained a bright pink. I couldn’t draw my gaze away from her lips. They were slightly parted and I could see her tongue behind them. I watched as her tongue slipped over her perfectly straight teeth to her lower lip. She licked her lips, as if she was about to talk but when I looked at her eyes, open mouthed, I saw she was still preoccupied with her trainers.

I moved forwards quietly, not wanting her to notice. She stayed looking down as I moved until we were almost touching. I had such a strong urge in that moment to kiss her, it was unreal. I wanted her so badly but made myself move slowly. I used one hand to part a strand of hair from her head and played with it, feeling the silky touch of it in my hand. Wednesday had frozen but didn’t turn to look at me. I was scared I was doing something wrong or that she wanted me to move away from me but didn’t want to stop feeling her hair. I felt down the curve of her head to her neck, where I parted her hair so I could stroke the soft skin there. I wanted to run my lips over the pale skin but stopped myself, instead tracing her jawline. She turned her head turned me as I did so, so that her eyes bored into mine, making me forget everything I had been previously thinking. She stayed still, not moving as I touched her cheek and circled my thumb over it, wanting to remember this feeling forever. She closed her eyes and so did I, letting the feeling fill me up inside.

When I opened my eyes, hers were still closed and I let myself get carried away, moving until I could feel her against me, her chest pressed into my stomach. I wasn’t sure what to feel yet but moved so that I could turn her head up to mine. I kneeled up onto my knees while she remained seated and quickly parted her hair from her face. Her expression showed surprise but I didn’t let this stop me, closing my eyes tight so as I could feel everything. I was breathing more heavily and moved forwards until our lips were centimetres from each other. I felt her breathing become more rapid against my cheek and parted my lips as I closed the last inch between our lips.

I stilled as I felt her pull away and opened my eyes to see her biting her lip and looking uncomfortable. She turned away so that I couldn’t see her expression clearly. I pressed my lips together tightly and felt tears well up in my throat. I had thought that was what she wanted. I sank to my knees and pulled myself into a ball so as to protect myself from the heart wrenching pulls my chest was giving me. She still wasn’t looking at me and it was all I could do not to grab my school bag and run away. Run back to Rebecca and my old life. Forget Wednesday. But that was easier said than done. I had really thought she had liked me. Was it something I did? Or did I just read all this wrong? Had I really sacrificed my friendship with Rebecca, had I really let everyone know I was this sick and twisted person inside, just to find out she didn’t like me that way? The students must know, they must be able to see it written on my face, the disgusting side of me that I have always been able to keep hidden, now out in the open for everyone to see. I wasn’t normal and now I had lost everything. Bobby wouldn’t be able to look at me. I could imagine him turning away in disgust, his eyes suddenly harsh and cold like Mother’s were. Mother would reach out her hand to him and together they would walk off, finally sealing the gap between them and me. I was alone.

“Please, don’t!” Wednesday leaned forwards to try and wipe the tears which were now spilling steadily down my face.

I flinched away from her hand, not waiting to feel her touch, never wanting to be ashamed like that again. Her eyes shimmered as she drew her hand away and she ducked her head so as not to look at me. No wonder she couldn’t bear to see the awful sight of me. I tried to wipe away the salty streams that ran from my eyes but couldn’t stop them altogether, only making my lashes thick with tears and my scratches sting with the salt. I sniffed, letting my eyes close, the weight of my sadness too heavy on my eyelids and allowed the feeling of hopelessness to fill me up. A hand grasped the back of my neck in a fierce hold so that I couldn’t pull away while another hand turned up my chin so that I was forced to face her. I kept my eyes closed tightly but the tears still crept out of the corners, revealing my obvious emotions to anyone who wanted to see. But there was only her.

“Look at me.” 

Her voice was so quiet and gentle that my heart softened to hear her speak. I sighed deeply before looking into her beautiful eyes. There were no words to express how she made me feel and it only hurt more to know she didn’t feel the same. She pulled my face closer to hers and I tried to pull away but she held me fast, staring so deeply into me, it was as if she was trying to find my soul. My hideous, twisted soul.

“I’ve never …” Wednesday bit her lip in a way that made me want to instantly wrap my arms around her and share her pain.

I nodded my head slightly to tell her to continue and I felt her breath still as a strand of my hair fell into my face, almost as if she … She moved one hand from my chin and carefully brushed my hair away, slowly stroking it behind my ear. I could have pulled away now. She watched me closely but I made no attempt to move, I didn’t dare spoil this moment.

“I’ve never kissed anyone before…” Her voice was quiet and she dropped her hands from me, letting them wrap themselves around her as if shielding her from the cold.

The girl who had always looked so confident and so uncaring about other people’s opinions of her, now suddenly looked so small and sad. I carelessly wiped my face of tears and moved forwards, closer to her. She moved away slightly but I seized her shoulders in my grasp, making her face raise to look at me. Surprised at my sudden confidence but not wanting to stop touching her, I moved my hands down her back and pressed them into her spine. She moved towards me until she was almost sat on my lap, she was so close. I breathed her in and let her hair tickle my face, smiling at her closeness. She smiled too, biting back a grin so that dimples appeared on both her cheeks. Her hands found the back of my neck and caressed it. I tried to focus on what I was about to say but her touch was so soft, I was almost lost for words.

“I…I’ve never kissed anyone either.” I felt my cheeks darken but kept staring at Wednesday, watching as her mouth opened in surprise.

At the sight of her open mouth, my own mouth opened and I found myself yet again moving forwards. I smiled as I thought I felt her do the same, letting the feel of her against me fill me up and create tingles of pleasure down my spine. I breathed in her clean, minty smell and tried to save it, to remember forever. I opened my eyes when yet again my lips found nothing but air. I tilted my head to the side, desperately trying to find her lips or her hair, her face, needing to feel her to know that she felt the same. Her hands never left my neck and I snapped my eyes open in frustration that her lips were nowhere to be seen. She was close so that I could see the nervous look in her eyes and she learnt towards me but instead pressed her forehead against mine. I tried to concentrate hard on her words as she spoke but couldn’t forget about how her tongue moved in her mouth and how it would taste in mine.

“I want to. It's just…” She looked nervous again and I hated that she could feel this way around me. When I was near her, my head was in such a mess that I didn’t know what to think.

“Can we wait?” She turned her head to one side, in a cute way, making her hair separate from her face so I could clearly see her soft earlobe and her shiny earring.

I wanted to tell her we couldn’t, that I needed her lips on mine. I needed to know that our feelings were the same, needed her tongue to know that she had that same burning desire for me that I had in that moment. She saw me hesitant and a smile crept onto her face, turning her lips upwards so her cheeks created those beautiful dimples again.

“I want to get to know you more first. Is that okay?” I sighed at this but nodded, not wanting to appear too upset by this but knowing it was probably written all over my face. She smiled at me and pulled me close, her face disappearing over my shoulder as she held me in a tight embrace. Her necklaces felt a little uncomfortable against my chest but it was easy to forgot that when I could feel her steady breaths on my ear. I clung to her, letting her hair cover my face, like she was my reason for existing, my reason for living. And in that moment, she could have been.

The bell went but I didn’t move, not wanting to lose this feeling of completeness that I now had. It was like all my life I had had this hole inside me that was now being filled. She moved away from me, taking a small piece of my heart with her. But I could see the action of moving away was causing her as much pain as I felt. She turned away and immediately I felt different, without her eyes on me. Not myself, like I was hiding behind a mask. She pulled her bag onto her shoulder and picked up mine. I looked at her curiously as she spun one red painted finger around in a circle, not understanding. She rolled her eyes like purple marbles as they caught the light and spun me around herself, her fingers delicate on my arms, almost like she knew of the steady throbbing pain the burns were giving me, even now. She placed my bag carefully onto my bag as if I was something fragile that could break and caught me in another hug, this time pulling her arms around my middle. I clasped her hands tightly and she moved closer until I could feel her body up against me even through my bag. It can’t have been comfortable for her but the feeling of her chest on my back made my breath stop, everything was new and different. So beautiful and perfect.

I stilled as I felt her lips touch my neck, feeling the wetness of her tongue of my skin, just for a moment. My eyes widened and I felt a new soar of lust, an unexplored side to my feelings for Wednesday. In the second, In the time I took for my heart to moan at me for not taking the chance to press my lips into hers, she had pulled away. I sighed, the part of me that was now missing felt so far away even as she parted the leaves of the tree to allow me through. The world outside looked so bleak now and as we trudged towards class, I knew that what I felt for Wednesday was more than lust, more than mere unexplored feelings. She touched my hand lightly and I clasped hers in a tight grasp, letting the feeling of her skin fill me up and the touch of her skin make my chest tighten. This is love.


	13. All good things end

“Keep your head still!”

I sighed loudly, frustrated at the process taking so long. I wanted to see how the drawing would turn out, knowing that I would love it no matter what it looked like. Though I could tell from the expert way that she tilted her head every now and then and stuck out her pink tongue in concentration, that she was no stranger to the artist’s pencils she clutched between her red nails. The lesson was nearly over and it had been spent in comfortable silence, both of us ignoring the other students as they childishly flicked paint and water into the hair of shrieking girls. The teacher sat at the front, absorbed in her work and seemed unable to hear the rising noise. I looked at Wednesday as her tongue once again emerged from between her lips, licking them slightly. Her eyes scanned my face once again, resting on my eyes which were staring deeply into hers. I mimicked her tongue and she let out an innocent giggle before turning back to her paper. I was sad when the sound was gone, lost in the shouts from the others. 

“There,” she moved backwards in her chair to survey her work and gave a little smile, showing her white teeth.

“Can I see?” Her eyes found mine and told me my answer.

I tried to stand up gracefully, aware of her eyes on me but still succeeded in tripping over her chair leg. I blushed darkly and avoided her gaze, knowing she was probably trying to bite back another smile. Her hair blocked the paper and I had to gently touch her shoulder so as to see the picture more clearly. I concentrated on the drawing, trying not to get too overwhelmed by the warmth she was radiating.

It was me. Except not me. Her light pencil stroke had made my jaw too soft, had lengthened out my neck and made my face rounded and full, compared to its usual bony shape. There was no evidence of the scars which currently marked my face, just the white paper to show my smooth, flawless skin. My lips were full and glistened even through the grey pencil lead. My nose was soft and cute while my cheeks were darkly blushing, probably from Wednesday studying me so intensely. My hair was flat on my head but she still managed to give it some of her hair’s beautiful qualities and it held new life that it had never had before. The pencil lead did little to show its boring mousey shade but a mixture of dark and light shades of brown seemed to bleed through the picture, captivating me and making my breath still in my throat; not for the first time that day. My expression was neither happy or embarrassed as I had felt the whole time I was being sketched but showed some hints of sadness. A misunderstood sadness that she had captured so well, it felt like looking in a mirror. I stared longest at the eyes, two hidden jewels on my face. I could feel the warmth coming from my normally plain brown eyes which were now shining full of hidden secrets and filled with the strangest of shades. The light caught them in just the right way so that it looked like I was staring right out of the sketch, looking deep into the eyes of the viewer and stealing some part of them away. I gazed at it, letting my emotions run raw with the love and care that had been taken over the drawing of me. It wasn’t until Wednesday spoke that I realised how long I’d been silent.

“I know it’s not perfect, it’s just we only have the hour. Your nose is a little snubbed and I know that your hair doesn’t actually look like that, it’s just-”

I touched a finger to her lips and she stopped talking immediately. The classroom seemed to go silent and I felt like there was only the two of us left in the entire world. Her eyes were big in her face and for a moment, it was all I could do not to try and kiss her again. Her breath was sharp and I could feel the heat escaping her mouth. My heart pumped fast and I moved my hand away before I could anything stupid.

“It’s beautiful.” The words didn’t explain how I felt but her eyes swelled with pride at my compliment.

“You’re beautiful.”

There was nothing I could say to this, I hated that she had spoilt such a wonderful moment with a lie. I dropped my eyes to the floor and couldn’t bring myself to look back at her, knowing that her face would surely show evidence of the horrible thing she had spoken. 

“Hey!” Her hands tried to move my face to look at her but I pulled away, suddenly self-conscious in the art room that I was now aware, was full of people.

Wednesday jumped to her feet, ignoring my quick step backwards and caught my arm in her hands. I hissed at the pain and ripped the burns from her touch. She stood wounded and open mouthed. I wanted to make it better but the memory of the lie rattled in my head and I still couldn’t bring myself to look at her. I knew she had probably heard my hiss of pain but there was no way I could explain that. Not without her pity or upset, she might believe I self-harmed like the Nurse. I didn’t need her to know how pathetic I was. The bell went and everyone around us scrambled to get their things and move to the next lesson. Wednesday was still and though I couldn’t meet my eyes with hers, I knew she would be watching me. I stepped clumsily towards my desk and carelessly shoved my pencil case into my bag, just needing to get away from her eyes which ripped away at my insides to reveal my rawest emotions and pulled the truth out of me with their intense beauty. I pulled the bag on my back and finally gave in, looking at Wednesday. Her eyes showed deep concern but as I raised my head to look at her, she shifted her gaze and picked up her art supplies. The classroom was silent as we left. The sound of my soft slip on shoes alongside the clunk of her trainers was the only sound as we left the room far behind us.

We walked in uncomfortable silence to RE which was normally my favourite lesson but today when Rebecca hated me and Wednesday couldn’t bare to look at me, I would have rather have had any other lesson. I gave Wednesday a longing look, as if to someway show how sorry I was for flinching away from her before but she just moved to her seat, not taking her eyes off her shoes. It made me sad to see the girl, so usually found with her head held up high and not a care in the world, looking so downcast over something I had done. I felt my chest tighten but knew that there was nothing that could be said. She’d called me beautiful. I don’t care how much she liked me, lying like that was unnecessary. I had accepted the fact that I was plain; I didn’t need her lies to make me feel better. Wednesday’s presence alone could do that.

I moved cautiously to my desk at the front, aware that Rebecca was sat hunched in her usual seat, her hair covering her face from me. Someone else I had caused pain too. I wanted to say something but then Mr Harrison spoke up. For once in my life, I didn’t listen to what he said, not caring about RE, not even caring about Rebecca. I could only think of how hurt Wednesday had looked beforehand, how upset she was. I wanted to talk to her, I needed to explain why I had acted the way I had. I needed her to say that she’d said what she said because she had been swept up in the moment, or not thinking clearly. I didn’t want her to lie to me, not when she was the first person who I had felt this way about. I hated to think I’d just spoiled the best thing that had ever happened to me just because of how I’d acted. She’d been wrong to lie but should I have upset her? Of course not, I was an idiot for even thinking of hurting her. I loved her; I didn’t want to hurt her. I loved her.

“You disgust me!”

The sharp voice made me snap out of my thoughts and I settled my eyes on the hurt face of Rebecca. I could see many conflicting feelings on her face but her features settled on hurt, bringing out shame from me and I bit my lip worriedly. She was my friend and I’d abandoned her. I realised she’d spoken and though I hated to anger her more, wanted to know what she’d said.

“Excuse me?” I tried to hide the irritation that I felt.

She was my friend but did she have a right to make me feel so bad. It’s not like she understood what was going on! Did she?

“You disgust me!” She played with the word disgust in her mouth, letting her face show this emotion as her eyes bored into me. Though the rest of the class were now working, the intensity in her voice made me feel like there was only me here along with Rebecca’s cutting tongue.

I must have looked startled at this because her voice showed a smirk at my expression.

“She’s a girl, Isabella,” I felt rising anger fill me up and my hand itched to wipe the self-satisfied look off her face.

“It’s sick!” She continued, clearly trying to see how far she could push me.

I felt sadness bubble up inside me and needed to control this feeling more than the anger. I couldn’t cry in front of her. She was saying exactly what I had been trying not to think, the small whispers that had been permanently in the back of mind since I had first met Wednesday. I knew how wrong this was, I knew how sick I was. Her words lingered in my mind, causing my brain to throb painfully with all the horrible thoughts which seemed to sting my head like wasps caught in a small space. My face must have started to crumple because Rebecca’s smile seemed to widen as she saw that she was getting through to me.

“It’s wrong!” She eagerly whispered the words to me, her face never changing from its horrible smirk.

I stood up in my fury and caused Rebecca to fall off her chair. She looked up at me shocked but I didn’t care about her anymore, my anger had taken control. I pulled her up by her hair and heard several gasps from the onlookers as I spat straight into her stupid laughing face. Tears had begun to fall down her cheeks but I didn’t care, the damage was done.

“You know nothing!” I screamed into her crying face, enjoying hearing the sounds of her whimpering.

“Isabella!” The shout was loud enough to break through my madness and without fully coming to my senses; I let Rebecca fall to the floor.

Mr Harrison was staring bewildered at the scene in front of him. As far as he was concerned two of his brightest and meekest pupils had just started fighting it out in his lesson, and he honestly didn’t know what to think. Not that Rebecca looked capable of fighting, her hands protectively shielding herself from me. Mr Harrison walked quickly over to her and pulled her to her feet. She was sobbing uncontrollably and despite how I still felt a burning fury as I looked into her face, it hurt to see her cry like that. Even when her Mother beat her, I’d never seen her react like this. I was now aware that all eyes were on me, piercing into me with looks of confusion and utter disgust. Only one face showed a different emotion, sadness. Her eyes glistened with tears and as I went to stare into her eyes, share some of my horrible overwhelming feelings with her, she looked away.

“Wednesday,” I whispered, stepping towards her, needing to be near her.

But she flinched away from me, slinging her bag across her back, her necklaces jangling and leaving me with a hurt expression mixed with the disgust that mirrored nearly everyone’s face in that room, just as the bell went to signal the end of the day. I tried to summon the beautiful blond girl back to me but the door softly shut behind her. The classroom started to clear and I ignored the glares I was receiving from my classmates, still shunned from Wednesday’s departure.

“Georgia, will you take Rebecca to medical please?” Mr Harrison gestured to a girl at the front who nodded solemnly and placed her arm around Rebecca. 

I wanted to rip her arm off of my friend and demand she leave her alone but I didn’t think I could call her my friend anymore. Georgia and her friends swooned around Rebecca like mothers around a fallen toddler and they all shot me looks of pure hatred as they cooed over her, gently stroking her arms and head. In the unbearable quiet that followed at their exit, Mr Harrison simply sat on the edge of his desk and massaged his forehead, like he had the weight of the world balanced on his shoulders. The only thing that made me feel any better was the fact that while he was upset, it was really I, in this situation, who was the worst off. I looked into the disappointed face of my favourite teacher and burst into babyish sobs.


	14. Understanding

“You know, I knew something was up even since you didn’t finish your worksheet on Monday.” He offered me his handkerchief which I took gratefully, drying my eyes and silently wiping my nose.

That was the lesson I had first saw Wednesday. That first lesson which seemed so long ago but it had really been only 3 days. That had been the best day of my life. And now I would never get her back. I let out another cry and Mr Harrison rubbed my back gently, trying to be understanding. But there was no one who could understand, no one who could fix me or make me alright again. I was messed up, everyone hated me.

“There now! I’m sure whatever it is, can’t be all bad, hey?” His smile was genuine and I once again wished for a parent or friend who could look at me like that all the time.

I’d had Wednesday but then I screwed anything up. All because I couldn’t take a compliment. I’d lost Rebecca because I didn’t want to accept the truth. And now I had to go home, had to face Mother and smile for Bobby and pretend everything was fine. But it wasn’t and it never would be again. I was ashamed for crying in front of a teacher, it seemed such a pathetic thing to do but he was being so kind despite how I had attacked Rebecca. His smile faltered and he sighed but he kept rubbing my back. His touch felt like the only thing that was keeping me together.

“This is the part where I tell you off for what you’ve done and send you to the principal, right?” He looked downcast and I was confused, not knowing what to say to him.

“You’ve always been such a good child. So genuinely nice and caring, especially about your friend-” He struggled for a second to remember her name, frowning to himself.

“Rebecca” I whispered, allowing myself to fall back into my pit of despair, remembering all the people that I’d lost.

Mr Harrison sighed deeply and removed his hand from my back. I held back another sob and stayed sat on his desk as he quickly worked his way around the room, collecting this lesson’s worksheets.

“I hate to ask but did you get any of your worksheet done?”

I shook my head slightly, carefully studying the contents of the bin, which was overflowing with half written essays and uncompleted work. I heard him sigh and move back to his desk. I hated to think I had disappointed him but he was just another name to join the growing list of people who now almost defiantly despised me.

“It’s such a shame too!” Mr Harrison continued, snapping me out of my ever depressing thoughts, “I know you have a special love for the story of Adam and Eve.”

He had no idea what he had said but just as I thought I had composed myself, tears streamed readily back down my face and animal noises seemed to escape from my throat as I once again begun to weep. The story of Adam and Eve, once my favourite story when I was small and naïve. Before Mother would hit me, before I needed to protect Bobby, before life at school had got so much worse. Before all these confusing feelings had taken hold of me, before all this disgusting love that was so wrong had picked my life to ruin. I didn’t want to be gay. I didn’t want to like girls. I didn’t want to love Wednesday as much as I did. The story of Adam and Eve, a man and woman. The way God intended and the way the Bible told us to live our lives. I could see Mother’s eyes filled with horror and disgust, her hands burning the iron into my marked skin again and again, leaving me with scars that would never heal. Bobby would never want to look at me again. Rebecca had already told me how sick it was. The only person who should have understood how I was feeling was Wednesday. Yet how could I explain any of this to someone so confident and proud, how could I tell her of the shame I felt for being the way I am? Not without making her hate me. Though I had achieved that all on my own. I just wanted my pain to end.

“Is this about Wednesday?” I sniffed at this, not daring to answer yes or no, just needing to be silent so that my horrible thoughts of self-loathing could consume me completely.

“I saw you together, on the field at lunch?” I didn’t move my eyes from the floor, studying the dirty worn carpet like if I stared hard and long enough, I could convince the earth to swallow me up. The floor remained the same.

“Do you love her?”

“Yes.” There was no other answer to his question; I loved her so much it physically hurt.

“But I can’t love her.” I could feel my cheeks still wet with tears but I didn’t have the energy left to wipe them away. I didn’t have the energy to fight anymore.

“And why not?” His voice was steady and he watched my face as I sighed deeply.

“Because it’s disgusting.”

His gasp made me move my gaze from the floor to his shocked face. His eyes settled on me and I saw sadness there; all I seemed to be able to do was cause people pain.

“Why on earth would you think that? Is it something I’d said, in class? Because I didn’t mean to-“

“It’s not you, sir.” I stopped him, willing myself not to cause any additional heartache. Though I didn’t seem to be able to help myself.

“Is it people at school?” I didn’t reply, closing my eyes tight to block out the horrible artificial light that glared from overhead.

“Is it Rebecca?”

I flinched at the name, making it all too clear what the answer was.

“It’s everyone. It’s Rebecca. It’s my family. I know it’s wrong. I know it’s sick. I know it’s disgusting. It’s not human and it’s not right! You don’t think I know that?! Don’t bother trying to tell me any different because I know the truth!”

I managed to hold myself together, clutching my knees to my chest as a way of blocking out the harsh realities of the world. It didn’t matter what lies he told me, nothing could stop the dark truth coming for me and suffocating me until it killed me. There was nothing that could be done.

I heard Mr Harrison move behind his desk, possibly to get his bag so he could leave. I wouldn’t blame him. But without him, my last hope was gone.

“Here,” a small piece of paper was pressed into my hand and my fingers automatically curled around it.

I opened my sore tear stained eyes and immediately loosed my tight grip when I saw it was a photo. I looked apologetically at Mr Harrison but he seemed not to notice, just staring at the photo in my hand. I squinted at the image, blocking out the glare from the classroom’s light beams. In the picture was Mr Harrison and another man stood side by side on top of a tall mountain with a beautiful snowy background stretching out for miles below. The man was a little taller than him, quite slim and wore a blue ski coat. Mr Harrison looked more ridiculous in a hat and a yellow ski coat. I looked at the image, trying to figure out what was odd until I looked at the men more closely. They were holding hands.

“Oh,” I spoke, words seeming to fail me.

“That’s me and Stephan, my husband. We’ve been together for 20 years now. This is our holiday to Mount Snowdon last year.” He smiled happily at the image, recalling good memories and his eyes swivelled to look at me.

I was confused and didn’t know what to say.

“But… But you teach RE?”

Mr Harrison gave me a small smile and nodded.

“Are you a Christian?”

Again, he nodded. I was getting even more confused.

“But you’re … you’re gay?”

“Recently, society and religion have become a lot more accepting of the gay community. Me and Stephan regularly attend church and have done so for many years.”

I frowned, unsure about what to say. This didn’t make any sense to me at all. All my thoughts had disappeared and it was like I didn’t know what was right or wrong anymore.

“But it’s going against God. Isn’t it?”

He looked thoughtful for a moment before speaking. 

“Does the bible not say Love thy neighbour?” Mr Harrison gave me a friendly smile but it was all I could do to smooth my forehead out of its frown.

“I- well … I…” I stuttered uncertain. I didn’t know what to think anymore. I didn’t want to offend him but I still didn’t understand how believing in God and loving someone of the same gender could work.

“I personally believe that if God wants all of creation to be happy, then he can’t possibly be against people who love others of the same sex. Everyone deserves love, even those of us whose love maybe isn’t as straight forward as others. I will never stop loving Stephan because of what someone thinks or believes to be right or wrong. I love him because he is beautiful, smart, loving, caring and because despite our problems he has always been there for me. Just because some people don’t see love when they look at us, does that instantly mean that they’re right? Should I change who I am to make other people happy? Or should I live my life the way I want to? Love is love, no matter who it is that shares that love. I’ve learnt not to care what others think because if I spent my time worrying about other people, that would make me unhappy. Like its making you unhappy right now.”

He looked back at me with big eyes and carefully took his hand in mine.

“Do you understand that you will never be happy if you live the way that other people want you to?”

My head nodded of its own accord and I looked at our hands as I clutched his desperately. I wanted to believe him so badly but there was still some doubt.

“When you’re with Wednesday, how do you feel?”

I paused for a moment, altogether forgetting I was talking to my RE teacher. 

“I feel happy to be with her. But sad in case I lose her. I feel anger for how I feel about her but I could never leave her when I’m near her, because she makes me a better person. I feel excited because it’s all so new and different. I feel like when I’m with her nothing can hurt me and I want to protect her from all the bad things in the world. I want to be with her all the time and I want to see her every day. When I’m with her, it’s like we’re the only two people in the world and all that matters is her.”

I realise that I’ve had my eyes closed and open them slowly, a grin spreading across my face.

“Now you tell me” his grin mirroring mine, “how can that be wrong?”


	15. Love's never simple

I walked exhausted across the playground, squinting against the winter sun as it burned my sore eyes. My eyes ached from crying, my back hurt from the weight of my bag, my face stung from the scars which still remained fresh and unchanging and my arms screamed from the hidden burns which scarred me. I just wanted to crawl into my bed and sleep but I knew that Mother would be waiting for me. She was always just visible on the horizon, her small frame hiding the monster that lurked inside her. I realised I was late to take Bobby home but nothing could make me move any faster. Mr Harrison’s words were still soothing my mind but it didn’t matter how I felt anymore because I had pushed her away. Even the heart of Wednesday could only take so much. I hated that I had hurt her. I needed to see her but would have to wait for tomorrow now. The playground was empty; my scuffling shoes the only sound that could be heard. A faint echo seemed to bounce around the open space, its repeated noise making the sound of a second pair of shoes almost possible. Except these are faster and heavier, and seemed to be coming from behind me.

A hand shoved me hard but I somehow managed to keep my balance. I didn’t have to turn around because the person moved in front of me, cutting me off. I wasn’t ready for another beating; I couldn’t deal with anyone right now, let alone-

“I hope you’re pleased with yourself,” Rebecca gestured to a large purple bruise from where her head had made contact with the floor after I’d dropped her.

I tried to hold her stare and stand upright but I involuntarily slumped down to the floor, all energy suddenly leaving me. I held my legs tightly in my burnt arms but no tears came. I had cried too much tears.

“Isabella?” Despite herself, her tone was kind and she knelt down beside me, trying to make eye contact but I just stared at the ground, wishing to place my throbbing head against its cold, icy surface.

“Is it your Mother?” If I wasn’t so broken, I would have smiled at how well Rebecca knew me. I gave her a little nod and held out my arm as if to indicate where the damage was.

She cautiously undid my blouse sleeve to see my bandages. I allowed her to peel one back to see the raw burn marks and tried to keep my breathing steady.

“Oh,” she frowned and rolled my sleeve back up, looking around nervously in case anyone had seen. But we were alone.

“I don’t know what to do! Tell me what to do!” I raised my gaze to see her hold her head in her hands, trying to cut off the world. I wanted to tell her this wouldn’t work, having tried it all too often but didn’t want to disturb her quiet thinking.

“How do you think I feel?” I broke the silence, letting the sadness I felt inside, out in a small exhale of breath, my heart still hurt from Wednesday walking out but I needed to focus on Rebecca now. I couldn’t let myself fall into the deep, black pit of despair as I so wanted to.

“You know what she’d do to you if she found out.”

I nodded, not having to reach that far into my imagination to know the pain that Mother could so easily inflict. Rebecca stared at me, her eyes blank and face composed, no matter how she might be feeling on the inside. 

“And you know how I feel about it,” I nodded again but kept looking at her for any change in her face. She seemed almost at ease though, as if she knew something that I didn’t.

“Honestly?” I allowed myself time to build myself up to say it and her friend gripped my shaky hand in hers, a small smile spreading on her face, like the first beams of sunlight after rain. 

“I don’t care what people think. I love her.”

Rebecca moved towards me and wrapped me in a tight hug, ignoring my small moans of pain. I gripped her back, trying to hold us together, enough for the both of us.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt!” Her voice was thick with tears and she drew back embarrassed. I stilled her and wiped her tears from her cheeks, seeing for the first time the simple innocence that most abused children lose over time. It reminded me of Bobby and I smoothed her hair just like I did with my baby brother and gently kissed her forehead. She tensed as if unsure of my intentions but relaxed as I pulled her into another bone crushing hug.

“I’m already hurt. But Wednesday is making me better.” Rebecca nodded into my shoulder and sniffed.

Unwillingly I drew away and pulled us both to our feet. We parted awkwardly, neither us of knowing what to say.

“Can we still be friends?” This was a question that I genuinely didn’t know the answer too. I badly wanted her to say yes but knew that this was something that had been burned into her as wrong, as it had me and wouldn’t just change instantly. It might take some time.

“Of course,” she moved to nudge my arm before remembering my burns and smiling at me instead.

The moment was spoiled by two figures crossing the playground, one large striding, bulky woman and a small boy running to keep up with the other.

“Where the hell do you think you’ve been?!” Rebecca’s Mother was fierce usually but now she seemed to be in a full on rage. Her face was beetroot red and her hands curled into menacing fists. I saw my friend flinch beside me and her arms instantly reach for her stomach, which I was sure had now started to ache in anticipation of the beating she knew would come. Bobby bit his lip nervously when he saw us and I could tell from his eyes that he had been crying. He’d probably been stood scared and alone waiting for me, crying as it started to get darker and darker. I felt so guilty and wanted to whisper soft apologises into his curls until my throat was sore from it. But I couldn’t take my eyes off the large tornado of a woman who had now started running towards us.

She stopped an inch from Rebecca, grabbing her by the collar and yanking her back the way she had come. Rebecca gave a small whimper but other than that did as her Mother wanted. I felt a sudden moment of anger at the image I saw before me and before I could stop myself, I was opening my mouth and running after them.

“Please, listen! It was my fault we’re late. I’m really sorry!” I could hear the sounds of Bobby running after me but he couldn’t keep up. I felt ashamed that I was ignoring him but the images of Rebecca being beaten black and blue, burned into my mind. I stopped in front of them both and for a moment didn’t believe that they would stop walking, would instead plough over me. But Rebecca was brought to a holt by a sharp yank from her Mother’s arm.

“Look here, Isabella! Get out of my way or I’ll-” She stopped, staring intensely at my face. I suddenly remembered the cuts which decorated my pale skin and realised how gruesome I must look.

“What happened to your face?” She spoke quietly, frowning. When I didn’t answer, she turned to her daughter, expecting an answer from her. That’s what she spotted the darkening bruise on Rebecca’s forehead, the one I had caused, and her large mouth opened wide. 

“Have you been attacked?” She asked shocked. I looked at Rebecca who gave me a meaningful look and we both nodded, Rebecca surprising me by adding a sniff for good measure.

Rebecca’s Mother let go of her daughter and replaced her previously grasping fists with small touches as she stroked the dark blemish on her daughter’s head. Rebecca gave a little gasp and her Mother pulled away.

“Oh, my poor darling!”

Another thing I envied Rebecca for. Her Mother actually wasn’t as menacing as she might look. Whilst the bruises which tainted my friend’s skin might say otherwise, it was almost as if she had an off switch and you just had to know which buttons to press. Rebecca was crushed into a hug so that I could no longer see her friend beyond the large bulk that held her. I looked at Bobby sideways and saw he was deliberately looking away, unsure about this new kind of affection. Though he wasn’t to be blamed, the only love he had ever received had been from me and Mother; though our Mother’s love seemed questionable in my eyes.

“Run home now, children,” I was surprised to realise that she was talking to us. Rebecca’s Mother was now more kindly hustling my friend towards their car and casting a glance back over her shoulder.

“I’m sure your Mother will want to know what’s happened,” she gestured towards my face before turning to unlock her car. I didn’t try and respond to her. Rebecca waved at me before getting into the front seat. Her problems for the evening looked like they were over and I felt a twitch of jealousy but ignored it and turned back to Bobby. He looked sad but his little eyes were full of love as he looked at the deep scar on my neck.

“Did you really get beaten up?” I nodded at him, giving him a sad smile. He wrapped his little arms around me and let me bury myself in his curls.

“I’m sorry that I cried,” he sniffed, “It was a baby thing to do!”

I hugged him harder.

“It’s not your fault. I shouldn’t have left you alone!”

“But-“ I hushed him and gripped his hand before turning home, ignoring the sudden tiredness which had once again consumed me. I didn’t think the excuse of being beaten up would stop Mother so tried to make the most of my short time with Bobby, letting him talk about his day and laughing and smiling in exactly the right places. But the indigo eyes stayed unblinking and beautiful at the front of my mind.


	16. For the best

‘Slut’

‘Lesbian’

‘Disgusting’

‘Sick’

I woke up in a cold sweat, shaking as I felt the hands pull away from me. The sharp nails and whispering voices vanished into the dark that surrounded me. I blinked hard; spinning around frantically in an attempt to spot the dark figures which I was sure had crossed over from my nightmares. But the white walls revealed nothing, their colour still clear to me even in the dark basement. I moved from my position on the floor, my neck aching from where I had huddled against the radiator. I don’t remember the reason why I was down here. I just remember her hands removing me from my bed and her nails embedding themselves into my scalp. I rubbed her head at the memory and listened intently for signs of movement above me, but there was nothing. I moved to the door, ignoring the ghostly image of myself that was reflected in the handle and listened. Surely, it was nearly morning now. She wouldn’t leave me here for Bobby to discover. Perhaps it was already morning and Bobby had gone to school alone. Or maybe it was the middle of the night and I had only just dropped back to sleep.

I couldn’t be sure and I didn’t want to fall asleep again through fear of the voices, their hands shaking me and hurting me until it felt so much like real life, I swear, I awoke with fresh bruises on my skin. They had gotten worse since I’d met Wednesday; they had new reasons to torment me. If not for them, then this form of punishment might not have been so bad. When I had the voice nightmares, I would sometimes go to Bobby’s room and my confused, sleepy brother would pull me into his arms and we would sleep together. At first light I would sneak back into my room but just to have his little arms around me, loving me, protecting me, was enough to keep the voices at bay. He never asked but he knew I had nightmares. I loved him all the more for not asking.

I hit my head against the door in frustration that I could be stuck down here for another day. The door let out a wooden thump as if protesting but there was no other sound. I hit my head again and listened for the metallic clink of the lock as it moved against the bolt on the other side. There was nothing. I waited for footsteps and the swift movement of the door that would surely come next but still there was nothing, just my heavy breathing as I debated what to do next. I stilled my shaking hands on the door handle and closed my eyes tight. I let myself move the handle down and pull on the door. The hinges let out a small whine in the darkness but other than that the silence was undisturbed. I listened again, the blood thumping in my ears so loud that I could hardly hear my breathing which I was sure would give me away. This was stupid. The second she knew I had been out, she would surely lock me back in there, properly this time, for days. Rebecca would worry. Bobby would worry. But something pushed me forwards.

I crept up the steps, avoiding the few I knew that squeaked and reached for the second door. My hand slipped the first time on the metal and I had to grip the handle with two hands. Where would I go? What would I do? I could get Bobby and go. Go where? I thought hard. Rebecca was my only friend but with her Mother, going to her house was out of the question. We could go …

To the children’s home. If I took Bobby and explained everything to them. If I told them all about what she did to me, then maybe. Maybe, there was a chance. She would never hurt me again.

The lock clinked against the wood. That sound echoed in my ears and seemed to move through me, as if I was nothing more than air. I hadn’t realised I’d been holding my breath until then and gasped loudly to get some air into my lungs. Suddenly there seemed to be too much of it, I was drowning. I breathed in the stale air of basement, tears now streaming down my face and I clawed desperately at my throat, trying to make it work like it should. But it was no use. I grabbed for the wall as I felt my legs buckle underneath me but the white walls betrayed me and I cartwheeled down the stairs, falling head over heels before landing in a pile at the bottom. The world spun and the stairs seemed to stretch upwards. A warm substance covered my head and neck but felt nice and soothing. I panicked as I realised I should be able to feel pain but relaxed when I realised this was probably for the best. I smiled to myself as my eyes started to cloud over, the black filling my mind and ridding me of any bad thoughts. I saw a small boy whose face I vaguely recognised coming down the stairs before my world disappeared.


	17. Lies

Beep. Beep. Beep.

The gentle sound was the first thing I heard. I opened my eyes but closed them quickly, seeing the white ceiling above me and realising I was still in the basement. And I was still alive. My thoughts were scrambled and I couldn’t think straight. The sound was giving me a headache. I blinked hard and focused on the ceiling, trying to make it stop spinning but it mocked me and turned into patterns that I couldn’t understand.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

“Shut up,” I whispered to the sound, not caring about my language for a change, just wanting it to stop.

“Good morning to you, too!” A light voice laughed at me and I whipped my head quickly round to spot the voice’s owner, causing sudden pain to come from my neck. I let out an involuntary hiss of pain and two hands were immediately on me, pushing my head down. I tried to fight against them but they were strong and held me down. I looked up at a young woman who looked back down at me. My eyes drifted to her clothes and I saw a green cross. The words ‘Northgate Hospital’ were just visible through the strands of her hair which hung down between us.

“Don’t move your head or you’ll hurt yourself!” The words reminded me of Wednesday and I relaxed when I thought of her. I wondered why my neck hurt but figured it had something to do with falling down the stairs and didn’t question it. I still couldn’t think straight but I looked up at the nurse so she could see I was calm. I smiled at her half-heartedly and she released my head, stepping back to continue writing in a blue folder, which she had perched on the end of my bed. Now I was fully awake, I could focus. The woman looked in her 20s and was thin and blond. When comparing Wednesday’s beautiful natural colour to this woman’s obviously dyed locks, the image I had of Wednesday seemed even more magical. Her face held no make-up and her nails were perfectly done so you could see the whites of them but looked boring in comparison to the brightly coloured nails that I loved so much. 

“No darling, it’s Friday,” she surprised me by speaking, pulling me out of my thoughts.

“Wha- I mean, pardon?” I immediately corrected myself, feeling rude and blushing stupidly. 

“You said ‘Wednesday’. You were saying it in your sleep too!” I blushed darker and looked down at the white hospital sheets, comparing them to the dirty white of the nurse’s room.

“She- She’s a friend.” 

I avoided her eyes and looked around the room. There was lots of equipment, including a large machine that was causing the beeping. A small tube emerged from my skin and I tried not to look at it as I followed the wire up towards a bag of clear liquid which hung above my head. The room was small, mainly consisting of the bed, the equipment and a large window covering the opposite wall. The nurse followed my eyes and saw the curtain, moving over to open it. She carefully separated them so I could see out.

Small metal bars lined the window, small enough so that I could see the dismal city view which showed nothing more than an empty road and an unused car park. It was on the ground floor. But all I could do was stare at the bars which stood proudly and unmoving in place. They taunted me and for some reason seeing them made me imagine a smirking version of Mother’s face, her laughing mouth turned upwards and eyes relishing my pain. The nurse turned smiling towards me and rested her eyes on my shocked expression, her face instantly calm as if she knew exactly what was coming.

“Yes, dear?” I couldn’t make myself say anything, just staring at the horrible bars which reflected white from the walls and seemed to stare back at me tauntingly.

I lifted a finger to the window and she turned as if trying to spot what was troubling me. 

“Yes, it doesn’t look like it’s going to be a nice day today, does it?” She spoke innocently, keeping the calm composure. I knew that she was aware exactly what I meant but the nurse remained in her sickeningly, sweet state as she walked across the room to me. I watched as she moved a small bedside table over me and helped prop me up so that I could see what was on it. A tray containing a bowl of cereal and a small glass of orange juice was presented to me and I felt my stomach turn at the meal. Eating was the last thing I wanted to do and I turned back to look at the bars. The nurse just patiently stood beside me, waiting for me to say something. But my mouth was dry and I couldn’t think of anything to say.

“Aren’t you going to eat?” Her hand rested on my arm and I waited for the pain that I was sure would come from the burns, which were now so familiar to me that I couldn’t remember a time without them. But none came. I looked down at myself and realised I was wearing a hospital gown, short sleeved so that I could see fresh bandages covering my arms. Despite pain from my neck, my face felt better too and the scratches were causing me hardly any pain at all. Though if it was Friday morning then I had barely been unconscious for a day. Her hand was soothing and gave me the courage to attempt to speak.

“I-“ My throat croaked in protest and the nurse quickly pushed the orange juice to my lips, forcing me to drink it all. I swallowed but did feel a little better for it. 

“Thank you,” I gave a proper smile this time which she retaliated.

Silence came next and I wanted to ask about the bars on the window but didn’t know how, so settled with spooning a small amount of cornflakes into my mouth. The nurse gave me an approving look before moving towards the door.

“Are you leaving?” She spun quickly around and I realised I didn’t want her to leave me alone.

“Yes, I was going to get your Mother now. She’s been ever so-“

“No!” The word came quickly and I shut my mouth tight through fear that I would say anymore. The nurse looked questioningly at me.

“Please, I’d like to sleep some more if that’s okay,” the lie slipped off my tongue and I swallowed the guilt I felt rising in my chest.

“If you’re sure? She and your little brother have been ever so worried. You took quite a fall…” She looked at me cautiously as if she was worried about something she’d said. The carefully fixed mask on her face slipped slightly and I saw she was afraid. Afraid of what, I didn’t know.

“Why are there bars on the window?” The mask was now replaced with a tense expression. Why was she being so secretive? She looked down at the floor and seemed ready to turn on her heel and leave.

“Please.” She relaxed a little at the destroyed look on my face but kept her distance. She moved her hands up almost protectively over her chest and clutched them together, pulling at a hang nail rather than answering my question. I watched her movements and wondered whether she was new to this job, her calm composure hadn’t lasted very long. I looked once again at her hair, the horrible dyed shade on it. My eyes once again drifted to the words ‘Northgate Hospital’ and as if on cue, her hand moved her hair behind one ear, revealing the writing fully for the first time.

‘Northgate Psychiatric Hospital.’

My heart stopped and breathing became difficult again. The nurse moved towards me but I batted her away from me, scared at what she would do. 

“I don’t belong here! Why am I here?!” I shouted at the nurse, while she attempted to calm me down but her clutching hands simply made me panic more and I shoved her away again, needing space to think. Eventually she overpowered me and as if a silent alarm had been triggered, another brunette nurse appeared at my other side, both holding an arm.

“I need you to be calm, sweetie,” the first nurse spoke, her tone irritating me more. Why would no one talk to me or answer my questions? I wasn’t mad! I didn’t belong here! I wanted to scream at them that they had got the wrong person, that I wasn’t supposed to be here, but knew that that wouldn’t get me anywhere. I relaxed into the bed and closed my eyes, needing the darkness to think carefully. I tried to breathe steadily and kept my eyes shut to avoid their horrible composed faces, which I knew would be watching over me.

“Why am I here?” My voice cracked with tears and I felt a few tears escape from my closed lids. I just wanted Bobby, or Rebecca. No, I wanted Wednesday. I wanted her to hug me and hold my hand like she had done before. Before all this. I was in pain now, the nurse’s efforts to restrain me aggravating my previously numb wounds. I had fallen down the stairs, that was all. I wasn’t mad. I thought of the voices but silenced this thought instantly. I had nightmares. But I had never told anyone and there was no reason my nightmares would have brought me here! I was wrong. I liked girls so I had been locked up in a hospital for the insane?! That didn’t make sense either.

“You’ve been self-harming for a while now. We found bruises on your body and the burn marks on your arms. Your mother has filled us in on your behaviour. Your suicide attempt has made this the best option for you. We’re only trying to help. Your Mother feels this is the best way to-”

“I’m not mad,” I whispered, more tears escaping me.

“I know you’re not, darling.”

“I’m not a self-harmer,” I spoke louder, needing them to hear me this time.

“Dry your eyes now, pet.”

“I’m not suicidal,” I raised my voice until I was almost shouting.

“Shhh now.” My eyes opened and both nurses’ faces smiled down at me, one set of hands now calmly patting my hair while the other dried my eyes. I writhed sharply, causing both women to step back from the bed but as I flailed one arm wildly, I caught the blond nurse on the cheek with my nails. I didn’t have time to think before both women fell on me again, blood now appearing on the face of one but everything happened so quickly. I tried frantically to escape their clutches, needing to get out of here, needing to get free from them. They didn’t understand, no one understood!

“Sleep now,” a needle stabbed into me and I watched helplessly as the contents of it was emptied into my blood stream.

“Please! Stop please! Why are you doing this?! I’m not mad! I’m not-“

The world blurred again and my words escaped me, leaving quiet sobs to carry me into the darkness once again.


	18. Routine

My head felt numb as if full of cotton wool and my stomach turned suddenly. I opened my eyes and leaned forwards, causing the room to spin even more, stomach acid now rising in my throat.

“In here, quickly!”

A plastic bucket was pushed in front of me and I threw up what felt like the entire contents of my stomach. I couldn’t really tell who was in the room with me but felt a set of long nails claw at the back of my neck so as to save my hair from the stream of sick which was making its way out of my mouth. I lay back down on the bed weakly when I was done and tried to swallow the acid taste that was left in my mouth. My eyes were moist with tears and when a towel was placed in my hand, I wiped them and tried to clean up my chin and mouth as best as I could. The room was dark and curtains now drawn so I suppose it was now night. It took me a second to remember where I was but when I did, I searched the room quickly to figure out who was here with me. The room for a moment seemed empty until I spotted a slim shape in the far corner, watching me. It was the blonde nurse, her brightly dyed hair giving her away. She was trying to smile but even in the dark I could see the scratch marks I had left on her face. Similar to the ones that had been left on mine just a few days before.

“I’m really sor-“ I began before feeling my stomach moan in protest and diving for the bucket once again.

I don’t remember the last time I’d eaten anything but there was nothing left for my body to reject so I just gagged helplessly so that acid swam into my mouth and dripped unattractively down my chin. I was surprised when I felt the hands return to smooth my hair and pat my back but didn’t complain about the help; I was too weak to argue. I once again flopped into the bed and allowed the nurse to wipe my face. She did so very gently and I appreciated it. She put down the towel and my eyes followed her to the other side of the room where she picked up a tray and moved towards the door.

“What’s that?” I asked suspiciously to her retreating form.

She spun around quickly when I spoke but the pathetic quality in her seemed to have gone and she had switched on her professional mode once again.

“Your dinner. But I don’t suppose you’ll be wanting it now?”

I clutched my stomach and clamped my jaw shut at her words, feeling my insides react but seeming to save myself just in time.

“Thought not.” She turned to leave once again.

“Wait!” My voice rang out strangely in the small room and for a second, I wondered if she’d carry on out and leave me to the mercy of the beeping machines, which still surrounded me; reminding me of playground bullies around an innocent child. Obviously I was anything but. The blond nurse turned back to me, eyebrow raised expectantly and I felt my cheeks turn a deep shade under her watchful gaze. My bladder screamed at me and though embarrassing I knew I had to ask.

“Can I go to the lavatory please?” I spoke quietly, ashamed at needing to be cared for but knowing there wasn’t really another option.

Her face softened, her mood swings were really something, and she set the tray down, moving towards me. I nervously watched as she picked up a metal dish and held it out to me. I grasped it, feeling the cold metal object in my hands and looked from her to it.

“It’s a bed pan,” she assured me and helped me turn over on my side, and placed the pan underneath me.

I tried not to think about what was happening and the fact she’d just seen my bottom. It hadn’t occurred to me before now just how naked I was in this hospital gown. I stared determinedly at the far wall as I emptied my bladder, feeling my blush spread across my entire face. The nurse didn’t seem to care for the situation either even though she was probably a lot more used to it than me, and tried to keep a straight face as she removed the pan from under me and held out a roll of toilet paper. Once I’d finished she took both the pan and tray before moving out of the room.

“Wait, sorry but-“

Her eyes looked at me a little put out but the fake smile was back in place, her white teeth small and perfectly straight.

“Will you come back?”

She frowned and looked about to speak.

“I really don’t want to be on my own,” I whispered, trailing my eyes over the hospital sheets and avoiding eye contact.

This seemed to be the right thing to say as when I looked back the nurse was smiling kindly and she nodded.

“I’ve got a few more rooms to visit then I’ll be right back,” her smile seemed more genuine and this time when she walked out, I didn’t feel quite so empty inside, her warmth staying with me.


	19. Answers

“I…“

I searched desperately for the words but none came. I’d come up with a list of questions but as soon as I’d had the chance to ask them, my mouth had turned dry and my brain quickly fogged over. The nurse stayed looking calm at me as I tried to remember my questions but still nothing came.

“What’s your name?” I asked limply, sticking with something that I, at least, could get an answer to.

“I’m not really supposed to…” She began but gave a small sigh and said, “Sally.”

“Sally,” I tested in my mouth and decided it fit her job perfectly and though a little clique perhaps, it suited her. She nodded at the use of her name, as if giving me permission to use it.

“Sally-“ I began again but stopped immediately when I realised there was no follow up question. Once again my head felt like it was full of cotton wool and a fog seemed to spread itself through my thoughts, consuming them all individually until I couldn’t see any remnant of them left at all.

“Why can’t I think straight?” I blinked furiously and screwed up my forehead but might as well not have bothered as still nothing came.

“That’ll be the medication, sweetie,” Sally gestured to the drip which was still connected to my arm and I looked away quickly as my eyes caught on where the needle entered my skin.

“Though I will say that your body hasn’t reacted well to it, to say the least!”

I tried not to think of the lingering taste in my throat.

“Medication for what?” I asked nervously, not daring to let my eyes leave her face for fear she would lie to me.

“Just pain medication,” her smile made me believe that she wasn’t lying and I gave a half smile back to her.

“Though that does mean you’ll start to feel your injuries soon!”

I frowned at her and moved the sheets so that I could see my arms more clearly. They were still wrapped in bandages and I couldn’t feel even a stir of pain. I tested them, flexing the joints but still nothing. I touched my previously tender face but again nothing. My hand travelled to my neck and a hand promptly slapped mine away, and not in the kind way that Wednesday had once done. Sally apologised quickly but kept our hands locked. I gave her a questioning look.

“You had a cut here?” I nodded as I remembered the deep gash that the girl’s manicured nails had left in me.

“When you fell, it split the skin and some of the muscle.” She spoke it matter-of-factly but I still squirmed as I pictured my ripping skin, supressing a shiver. I recalled the moment when I hit the bottom of the stairs and my blood had pooled around my head. I waited for a sudden rush of pain at the memory but there was still nothing. I suppose I’d feel it soon.

“And there’s your leg too,” her hand moved the sheets so I could clearly see my leg for the first time.

It was in a splint and a small stitched red mark in the skin told me where my bone had come through. My whole body felt numb and I knew that if I attempted to move my leg I’d still feel nothing. I used the hand that hadn’t been captured by the nurse to cover up the splint so that I wouldn’t have to see it anymore. None of this felt real yet. I still couldn’t believe I was here.

“Northgate hospital?” I asked limply and received a small nod.

“Yes, on Northgate street?” I shook my head at this.

“Following on from Beaconsfield road?” Again I shook my head, I didn’t know any of these places.

“Salisbury Road? Where the children’s home is?” My mouth opened and suddenly I knew where I was.

I’d never been here obviously but recalled walking past the building on the short walk to church every Sunday. I hadn’t really taken much thought as to what the building was because I’d assumed it would never affect me. I gave Sally a brief nod as I spotted her waiting for a response. She looked seemingly pleased with herself and I let her feel satisfied about helping me in some way. When all she’d done really was bring back all the feelings of guilt about Wednesday. About my feelings. About what would happen if-

“Is my Mother still here?” I knew I had visibly tensed but couldn’t make myself relax, feeling my stance and breathing both change as I reminded myself while I was safe here in my little room, she would surely be back soon.

“Oh, I’m sorry honey. She went home.” I let her make the mistake of thinking I was upset and allowed her to soothingly stroke my hand.

“She’s been here even since you came in on Wednesday evening. She even brought your little brother in yesterday afternoon even when the doctor assured her it wouldn’t be until today that you would be wake up.”

I nodded at this, glad that I wouldn’t have to see her until tomorrow at least. The nurse was continuing to gush happily about how lucky I was to have such a kind and loving Mother but I tuned out, wondering about how Bobby was doing without me. Surely Mother couldn’t have changed so quickly from loving Bobby to beating him as she did me, in a few short days? I prayed Bobby was okay. A thought drifted back to me and I remembered as the blood pooled around me and the world darkened, thinking about how it was all for the best. In that one small dazed moment I had thought about leaving it all behind. That didn’t seem too bad. Not with Wednesday hating me and Mother’s constant ‘love’. But what if I had died? What would have happened to Bobby? He would have replaced me in Mother’s eyes; he would have been her new victim. No matter how bad it got, I could never make him take my place. I could never stop protecting my baby brother!

“Don’t look so upset, he’s perfectly fine now! I tell you, this never would have happened when I was at school. The teaching standards were so much-“

“I’m sorry? Could you repeat that?” The nurse gave a playful tut but shined her composed smile and repeated herself.

“I said that your Mother was wonderful to your brother after he got that bruised eye. I know boys will be boys but rough play can quickly turn into violence!”

“Bobby had a black eye?” Sally nodded, looking a little confused as to why she needed to repeat herself again but still answering me, with her practised mask displaying calmness to all.

Mother really had sunk that low as to hurt Bobby then. He’d received nothing but cuts and bruises at school. I knew he was bullied but not to that extent. I needed to get back soon so I could protect him from her; no one else would.

“When-when might I be able to leave then?” I tried to ask carefully so as not to upset the chatty mood that Sally was in.

She frowned and I instantly knew I had said the wrong thing. She got up from where she had been sat on my bed and smoothed out her skirt as if to say that the discussion was over. Her smile was back wider and brighter than ever and I glared back at her, in an attempt to show that she wasn’t fooling anyone. But her smile never faltered.

“Well, that depends on the doctor’s analysis and your behaviour. Any more incidents like this morning will not be looked kindly on!” Her hand self-consciously touched the scratches on her face.

“And of course, what your Mother thinks will be considered.”

I had to suppress my anger at this and stop myself from hitting something. I settled with balling my hands into fists and hitting my head hard into the pillow.

“I’m sorry, you must be tired,” Sally idiotically twittered on, talking about meal times and saying something about taking a bath, but I’d had enough of her by this point.

I shut my eyes tight as I heard her nurses’ shoes slap rhythmically on the hospital floor as she exited.

“Oh, one last thing,” her high pitched voice did nothing more than remind me how melodic Wednesday’s voice sounded and I couldn’t wait now to be left alone to my thoughts and the beeping machines.

“You’ve have two visitors. Two girls who came after school of Thursday and one of the girls came back today. She had an odd name…”

“Wednesday,” I breathed out, the indigo pools shining bright in the front of my mind, staring intensely at me as she studied me in order to capture every part of me.

“Yes,” she smiled at my brightened mood, “Unfortunately only family can visit on this ward. And your Mother has specifically asked that you don’t have visitors. So-“

Sally moved quickly to the door, before I could protest and stuck her head around the door just before it shut quietly behind her, finally leaving me alone to my thoughts.

“I suppose it depends how good you are.”


	20. A Friend

The shadows cast by the window bars were the only way to tell the time in the small room. At least trapped in the basement by Mother I could move around, here I was hopelessly restricted to the hospital bed. Sally had been right about one thing, I could definitely feel my leg now. Manoeuvring into the metal basin that had been specifically carted into my room to wash in was difficult and embarrassing. Having this woman see me naked was one thing, only Mother had ever seen me in that way but I was very aware of my body. Scars that would never fade stood proud against the pale tint of my skin and purple bruises remained from my fall. Sally just cast her eye over them but said nothing. She tried to keep up a flow of chatter but could see I wasn’t in the mood to talk. Nevertheless she ploughed on, bombarding me with useless information that I didn’t need to know. She’s got this position a few months ago and was still learning the ropes. Did I think she was doing okay so far? She lived with her parents but hoped to be moving out soon with my boyfriend. Did I have a boyfriend? A pretty girl like me must surely have one! She’d just brought a kitten and wanted a name for it. Did I have any ideas?

I just remained silent and waited for the shameful experience to be over. That had been two days ago. Nothing much had happened in between except meals had been brought to me, which I had half-hearted spooned into my mouth, not paying much attention to what I was eating. Sally was kind to me but she hadn’t been back since she bathed me. Other nurses with their familiar plastered on grins simply said hello before disappearing again. Mother and Bobby had been waiting everyday but I’d somehow always been able to stop them coming in, pretending to be asleep when a nurse came to check on me or complaining of sickness. No one would tell me if Wednesday or Rebecca had been back. I have not felt so alone and at mercy to my thoughts.

“This is a waste of time! We have other patients to attend to!”

The voice was angry and the sharp words suited the very proper looking woman that stood before me. Someone that it looked like Mother would certainly approve of. She wore a black suited outfit with a skirt to her knees and high heels that thundered loudly across the floor warning any unfortunate people near that they would soon meet her merciless wrath. The man she addressed sat in a plastic chair beside my bed and had been there for what felt like hours, but probably was closer to half an hour. He had started by asking me questions but when he realised I wouldn’t answer seemed quite happy to just survey me as I stared blankly at the white walls and out of the window. I’d almost forgotten they were there, the only noticeable sound being her shoe as she impatiently tapped it, her deep scowl leaving marks from where she glared into me. I turned to them now, eyes drifting past the woman, not daring to meet her eyes but instead resting on the doctor, who was still watching me, seeming fascinated but of what I didn’t know.

“Could you give us a moment please?” He spoke quietly to the woman who didn’t seem to need much encouragement to turn on her heel and slam the door behind her.

The doctor wore a frown which only outlined the many wrinkles covering his aged face. His glasses shifted on his nose and he carelessly hitched them up, his eyes never leaving mine. They were grey and fairly plain but they held kindness there, kindness that after so long alone I was glad to see. I hadn’t paid much attention to what he was wearing but now saw he wore a loose plain of plaid trousers and a checked shirt, quite unconventional for a doctor. He seemed to notice my eyes movements, though I had tried to be discreet and gave me a smile, easing out the lines on his forehead only a little.

“Yes. I’m sorry if you were expecting someone better dressed but I’ve never been one for suits.”

He reminded me of Mr Harrison in his relaxed nature and that made me like him even more.

“Can we talk now?” He asked kindly, giving me an easy smile that didn’t make me feel forced into anything but it was infectious and I gave him a small one back.

It felt strange on my face but nice. He cleared his throat.

“You’re Isabella, right?” I nodded at this, blushing at the use of my stupidly formal name.

“And you’re in here because …” His eyes travelled down to his scribbled notes and he clicked his tongue as he found what he was looking for in the jumble of carelessly printed letters.

“Ah. Yes. There was an incident with the stairs, is that correct?” I just nodded, not daring to open my mouth in fear of what I would say; be it angry or defensive, I would say something that would drive this kindly man away.

“You threw yourself down?” A flash of anger bubbled inside me but I quickly grew calm when I realised he was asking a question. Something which no one else here had done. I shook my head quickly so as to maybe clear my head of some of the thoughts which clouded my mind. I had to be careful so as not to say too much. Why? Why should I protect her after all she’d done to me? Because Bobby still loved her. Because despite everything I knew I deserved to be punished. Because any decent parent would have done the same to a child like me. Why should Mother be punished further by having her only lovable child taken off her? Because she was evil and sick and twisted and vile. Because she relished in seeing me in pain. Because she had hit Bobby. That was the big one. Despite how much she loved him and how much he loved her, she had still done the unspeakable and hit him. Despite all my protection, she’d done it anyway. To punish me maybe, punish me for ending up in here. Because in here I was safe and I could quite easily tell this kind man what she did to me. And then she would get taken away, she would get locked up in a place like this. Somewhere deep inside me, I felt pity. I wouldn’t put anyone in here.

“Were you pushed?” I blinked rapidly at the doctor before shaking my head.

“Then how?” He asked, not demanding but simply curious. He seemed to be taking everything I had said so far to be truthful, never doubting me for a second when surely he encountered people who lied or told warped versions of the truth every day. Yet still he leaned forward, giving me an honest smile that I believed instantly.

“I sort of panicked. Then I couldn’t breathe. It felt like I was choking one second and then drowning again in the next!” I struggled to say more but couldn’t think how else to explain the strange sensation that had come over me.

“Have you ever felt like this before?” I shook my head, tracing the skin surrounding the tube which was still hanging loosely from my skin. It was sore to touch but I knew that at some point my new pain medication would kick in and for that I would be thankful.

“I suppose you could have had a panic attack.” He nodded as if thinking it over in his head.

“Yes. Yes, that seems quite likely.” He wrote something down into his notepad.

“The only question now of course, is why you panicked?” He continued to write in his unreadable scrawl, eyes never leaving the paper. But this was something I couldn’t answer.

He seemed to sense me tensing and moved his rough hand to grip mine. I squeezed back, liking how nice it felt to know someone cared.

“You can tell me anything, you know that. And for the most part it can stay between us.”

“And Mother…” I breathed out, feeling my eyes widen as I realised what I had said. I bit my lip and felt my cheeks darken, praying he hadn’t heard.

“It’s not that hard to guess what’s going on here.” I breathed hard out my nose and in through my mouth, remembering the consequences of not doing so. I wanted him to go now while he still thought of me as a small child who needed to be protected, before he saw me for what I was.

“But it needs to come from your mouth. You need to tell me, Isabella.”

I shook my head fiercely at this and shut my eyes, welcoming the darkness and feeling a shiver. This was my way of blocking out the world, of getting some time out and it worked just the trick.

“You can’t hide forever.” I was surprised to hear the voice through the black. Usually I could blank out my outside surroundings in order to stay calm but his voice bleed through the darkness, a bright light shining through. And I have to admit that it was quite nice. I opened my eyes to see his smiling face, the person who had pulled me so easily out of the dark.

“You know your Mother didn’t want you to see me today.” This didn’t particularly surprise me. She had no idea what was going through my mind or whether I had decided I was safe enough to reveal her for what she really was. I would never be safe with her around though. And Bobby would never be safe. I tried to keep my face straight at his words so as to reveal nothing but still winced as I thought of Bobby and his poor bruised eye.

“Why did you fall down the stairs?” I let tears stream steadily down my face, tired of being strong. I’d had enough of everyone.

“I can’t tell you.” He visibly sank in his chair and my face crumpled. When would I stop hurting others? Why was it in my personality to hurt people? Genes, I suppose.

There was a gentle tap on the door and Sally stuck her blond head around it, smiling broadly even when she spotted my tear stained face. Though her voice, her dyed hair, the writing on her uniform, all these things frustrated me so much, it was still lovely to see her. The doctor stood up as if to leave but Sally quickly moved into the room, gesturing for him to remain seated.

“Oh, it’s alright doctor! I just came to see how you were doing, if that’s okay? I’ll admit that I’ve taken quite a shine to this one!” Though this was news to me, I still gave her, what I hoped, was a meaningful smile.

“Well, I’d like to see her again. If that’s alright with you, of course?”

I nodded at him, realising that despite the pain and worry his questions caused me, he did care about what the answers would be. And that felt good.

“Now it’s probably about time for your dinner, if my watch is right?” He stood up and shuffled his notes into some form of a pile in order to see his silver wristwatch.

“Well actually, someone has been waiting to see Isabella all day and I thought she could do with a bit of cheering up!”

My breathing stopped and an image of a pale, thin hand came into my mind, grasping an iron and wielding it frantically towards me. I had to use my arm to hold me up and focus on breathing in order to stop the room spinning.

“I think, for the time being … Her Mother shouldn’t be allowed in to see her.” I fixed my eyes on the doctor who was giving the nurse a meaningful look. She simply nodded, knowing not to ask anymore.

“I’ll talk to the other nurses,” She smiled graciously, “But actually it’s not her Mother that’s come to see her.”

Wednesday. A clean minty smell. Dirty blond locks of hair that sprang from her head and fell on strong taut shoulders. Thin but strong arms leading to small hands with an assorted memory of colours on each delicate nail. Her neck covered with necklaces that didn’t quite draw all attention away with her chest. Her stomach flat, giving way to her shorts which clung to her perfectly, allowing the eyes to wander over her curves. Her strong legs, smooth pale skin leading over her curvy, wondrously shaped legs. Her shoes, big on her feet but the contrast from her skin made them suit her. Her eyes, deep indigo pools filled with so much emotion and love that it seemed to flow from her, like she wanted to make everyone around her feel the same as she did. Her giggle which reminded me of tinkling bells, so strange when compared to her beautifully deep, rich voice that seemed to fill you up and drift over you to soothing waves. The blazer that was too big for her, which seemed to swamp her if you came up close. The hitched up cuffs of her sleeves so that she could display her nails, just a small way of showing her beautiful personality to everyone in this dull world. The loosening plastic of her trainers which she played with when bored or nervous. The way she bit her lip when she was unsure about something. When she looked out the window instead of listening to the teacher. Her eyes as they carefully studied whatever she was drawing, her tongue as she concentrated hard. The way she said my name. The feel of her chest against my back when she hugged from behind. Her hand of mine, her hand tracing my scratches, gently pulling my bag onto my back. Her warm, delicate tongue against my neck. Her hands deliberately rested in the back of her pockets. All these things I had picked up on just from being with her, little memories that had stayed with me. It just made me think of how many more memories we could have. It made me think of how much I loved her.

“I think that’s a wonderful idea, nurse. As long as Isabella is feeling up for visitors?”

They both glanced anxiously at my happily flushed face but I just smiled at them both and nodded so much I was afraid my head would fall off!

“Well I’ll leave you alone then,” The doctor left with a cheerful wave and the nurse followed just behind him.

“I’ll just go and get her,” Sally smiled at my obvious enthusiasm and shut the door quietly.

I immediately moved to run my fingers through my already flat hair and smooth my hospital gown. I pulled my hair to the front so that it hung forwards, wondering if it made it look longer. But then it covered my chest (what chest?). I flipped it back but then wondered about my ears. Did they look big? And how about my eyes? Did they look as sleep deprived as I felt? I didn’t have any more time to fuss as the door opened wide. I sat up straighter to see her come in, wanting to instantly fold my arms around her and bury my face into her hair, smell her minty scent.

Rebecca looked hesitantly in and I couldn’t help my face from falling.


	21. Freefall

“Wednesday wanted to be here.”

Rebecca’s tone told me that there was still some uneasiness about the girl but her eyes met mine for the first time that visit. It mightn’t have meant anything, just something to fill the silence which had crept over us, after Rebecca had seen my transparent disappointment. I wanted to be happy to see my friend but couldn’t quite mask my true feelings. My eyes must have lit up at the mention of Wednesday’s name because this gained me a disapproving frown.

“Oh, erm…Ok,” I muttered, smoothing the bed cover and attempting to be casual though it was probably obvious that I wanted to hear more.

“If you must know, she’s not great recently,” Rebecca spoke slowly, her eyes focusing on my reaction carefully.

Despite how my heart rate increased dramatically and I could feel my hands gripping the sheets more tightly, I deliberately kept my face neutral; knowing that to panic would mean startling Rebecca into telling me no more.

“Really, how come?”

She cleared her throat and took some time to look around my sparsely decorated prison, her eyes lingering a moment too long on the window bars. I waited impatiently, thinking Rebecca was taking her time deliberately. Maybe to punish me for only caring about Wednesday. Rebecca had made the effort to come today, after all.

“How are you?” I reached for her still hand, which out of instinct pulled away, but after sensing I meant nothing sinister, Rebecca rearranged our fingers so they were entwined on the bed. 

It was the first time I’d taken her in properly and I felt selfish not to notice her appearance before. Her hair was tied back messily so that black tufts stuck out randomly, possibly from raking her fingers through. Dark shadows under her eyes revealed sleepless nights and her usually rosy cheeks were now unsettlingly pale. Her school blouse looked unironed and her long skirt was crumpled; her current restlessness suggesting that as of late, Rebecca was finding it hard to relax. I could even feel a difference in her hand, remembering clutching her uncomfortably warm palm in the past, when compared to the cold and bony fingers which clung to mine at present.

“I’m fine.” Rebecca spoke unconvincingly, giving me a partially empty smile.

“Just been worried about you, of course,” she murmured, bringing fresh feelings of unneeded guilt.

“And your Mother?”

This caused the usual expected twitch but still, it felt like the right thing to ask. Rebecca squeezed my hand delicately, having seen the tube in my arm but my medication was now successfully pumping my body full of drugs. I gave her a tight grasp back to show that she couldn’t hurt me. As I looked up at her shrinking form, Rebecca’s eyes were glistening with tears. My arms reached out on their own accord before I could think and Rebecca moaned loudly in pain as my fingertips brushed her ribs. I quickly pulled away, aware of how the sound had echoed painfully around the tiny room.

“I’m so sorry. I-” Struggling for words, I asked myself if it had really taken such a short time to forget about the emotional and physical pain my friend lived through daily. Hissing through her teeth as Rebecca rearranged herself in the plastic chair, noticeably though not deliberately inching away from me; she began to compose herself. Once again I couldn’t believe I’d been so selfish as to overlook her agony whilst obsessing over Wednesday; who granted was the love of my life but who I’d known for a grand total of a week.

“I’m f-fine.” Rebecca repeated less confidently than before.

“What did she do?” I whispered the words, not wanting to know the answer but she had no one else to turn to.

“The usual.” The casual tone didn’t match her inability to move and I remembered her unconsciously slumped position when she’d first revealed herself at the door. Usually, Rebecca could make it through the school day though how she’d survived today, I daren’t ask. She caught my unbelieving stare and sighed exasperatedly; despite our differences, she couldn’t lie to me.

“A gentle reminder of what would happen if I told anyone.”

“Because of me.” A solitary tear rolled down my cheek.

“Isabella, don’t!” Rebecca’s wince, as she moved to wipe my eyes, made me hold myself together.

“It’s true though, isn’t it? That’s what they’re all so scared of. That I’ll tell someone what they do to us!” My voice broke and I closed my eyes to shut out the broken, tearful image of Rebecca in front of me.

“Hush, sweetie. Everything will be fine. I know you’d never. Not while she’s got Bobby.” Rebecca was right and I was glad she’d spoken my thoughts aloud; it made them feel more certain.

“Have you seen him? Bobby, I mean?” Her smile and happily nodding head fazed me as I remembered Sally’s comment about his bruised eye.

“Yes, I’ve seen him. Why? Haven’t you?”

“No. I’ve been avoiding Mother.” I bit my lip, scared she’d think me wicked, knowing how self-centred it was to leave him alone in Mother’s company for so long; especially because of his bruise.

“His-his eye? One of the nurses told me that-” Rebecca cut me off, rubbing my hand comfortingly.

“Oh, he’s ok now. You didn’t think it was- He got hit by a cricket ball or something at school.”

“You’re sure?” I scanned her face for signs of lying; desperately hoping she was telling the truth.

“Of course! I’ve been meeting him after school. Don’t worry, I quizzed him about it. But he thinks it’s cool. Some of his friends-”

“Friends?” Now, I was sure she was just trying to keep me calm, following a set of instructions that Sally had previously laid out for her.

“Yeah, that surprised me too. Some of the others think he beat an older boy in a fight?”

I couldn’t help but laugh at the idea of Bobby in any kind of confrontation at school. Then I thought of the real threat which he faced every day at home and quickly stopped. Rebecca’s darkened face showed she’d reached the same thought. At least now, as far as I knew anyway, Mother hadn’t touched Bobby.

“So, about Wednesday…”

“That doesn’t matter.” I spoke confidently, surprising myself at the outburst. After all, I was dying to hear literally anything about her. “How’s homework at the minute?” But instead of returning into comfortable speaking territory, Rebecca simply raised a single eyebrow at me and shook her head playfully.

“No. We’re talking about her. Because she’s important to you, okay?” I gave her an uneasy smile back and could feel my cheeks blushing with embarrassment.

“I told her not to come today because- Shh, now listen!” She raised her hand, reading my hurt face before I could interrupt her.

“She’s been here every day, before and after school. She’s not working in classes and she’s clearly not been sleeping. She’s slipping. Mr Harrison even had a word!”

I stopped worrying for a moment, just thinking about my conversation with Mr Harrison and whether he’d say something about me; though I knew he was more trustworthy than that. Poor Wednesday. I’d feel the same if it was the other way round, I’m certain but she didn’t deserve to be put through this. Rebecca understood, the doctor understood but Wednesday? I couldn’t imagine how she was feeling, especially after what had happened. I’d attacked my best friend. I’d upset Wednesday, all because I couldn’t accept a compliment (false though it may be) from a beautiful girl. How messed up am I? There I go again, feeling sorry for myself while the people around me are left to deal with the destruction I leave in my wake. I looked up at Rebecca, whose eyes looked out at me, too old and world-weary for her young and delicate face, studying me so as to know how to help. Only she couldn’t help the person who needed it. I had to talk to Wednesday myself.


	22. Ghosts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is what finally made me decide to add Archive Warnings to this piece.  
> I'm sorry I haven't been regularly updating as I hate reading anything that doesn't flow or isn't consistent.  
> There's no excuse and I hope to finish this sooner rather than later.  
> I have been writing it for over a year now and it's still not reached a conclusion.  
> Apologises again.

_The front door slams opens, its hinges moaning, as they've done every night so far this month, signalling that either the surrounding bars and clubs have closed, or he’s been forced to stumble home after being thrown out on his wretched face. Presumably after starting a fight. Which he lost._

_T_ _he man’s heavy-footed steps can be heard echoing throughout the deadly silence of the house. But no one is asleep, only wishing they were. A trembling woman, curled up in the foetal position, who stays with him through fear, not just fear of the drunken beast downstairs but fear of the unknown. What life awaits her and the timid, ghost-girl who she could once call her daughter? To look at the small, mousey child was nothing more than a reminder of the failure that was her life._

_The little girl sucks her thumb in the hope of comfort, her arms encircling her shaking form as she would a beloved teddy bear; she’d ask herself years later if it was possible to miss something you never knew. Her childish mind couldn’t yet understand what it was that she missed. Her mother’s icy stares were all she’d ever known, not deliberately hateful but green with envy. Envy that every alcohol fused evening, after a series of half-hearted fumbles in their shared bed, her husband would take out the anger at the inevitable mornings’ hangover not on her thin, wanting body but on their daughter. Rough hands which would remove her pink nightgown and crash his chapped lips against her half sized delicate mouth. Yet all the woman could feel was burning jealousy._

_It had been a particularly bad night, resulting in a few broken noses which led the husband straight to the small girl’s room, where it took several attempts to grasp the handle. This allows the child time to hide her pale face behind two tiny hands, wishing herself away, and routinely clamping her legs together, knowing what’s to come. A thin stream of moonlight glistens off the door as it stumbles open, revealing a dark menacing figure that filled the room with a familiar sharp stench. Spotting his petite daughter dwarfed by even the pink pyjamas that tried desperately to shield her, a bitter smirk traced his droopy features just as the first tear escaped Isabella’s eye and hid in the restless tussles of her hair._

***

I awoke, panting wildly and thrashing uncontrollably in my cot bed, to the wailing noise of an alarm going off. I ran panicked into the far corner of the room, pulling out my tubing as I went, and wrapped my arms protectively around my bare legs. The sound was continuous, seeping into the far corners of my mind, relentlessly pounding through my body until my heartbeat became lost and I tried to let the darkness behind my eyelids consume me whole.

“Isabella?” My name was spoken softly but Sally’s voice still shattered the stillness that had fallen upon the room since the alarms went off.

Her voice sounded far off and I assumed that she was simply keeping her distance to avoid another deep scratch on the side of her face, matching the visible reminder I’d already left. But as I peered out from between sweat-dampened strands of hair, I saw she stood close enough for me to touch, her kind face showing concern and sympathy. Cautiously a shaking arm grasped her steady form and I let Sally lift me up with surprising strength and hold me to her as if I were that small girl in my pink nightie, all ready for bed. It didn’t hurt to pretend that the warm, soft material of her chest was the Mother I never knew or that her soothing voice would soon sing me to sleep.

She folded me with care into the bed and began reinserting various unknown substances into my body. I didn’t care anymore as long as I wasn’t left alone.

“A little something to help you drop off.”

Sally spoke more to herself than to me. My eyes had glazed over and the white ceiling allowed me to keep my head as empty and thoughtless as a new-born. I planned to fall asleep like that, numb to the pain around me but Sally turned my chin towards her so that she could study me.

“Okay?”

I really didn’t understand the question. Or what the answer was. The answer which would cause minimum pain was always out of reach.

“Just make them stop.”

I allowed my eyelids to drop so as not to see Sally’s reaction. Chapped lips ghosted mine and a small involuntary cry came from out of nowhere, from the back of my throat. I didn’t need to look around the room to know that Sally had gone, leaving me trapped in the dreamlike world that would always haunt me.


End file.
